Thursday, March 22, 2012

maybe i really am delusional.

i was generally expressive in nature. i am known (delusion of fame #1) to write whatever there is on my mind in my blog (or now, twitter) and share with you people. i know people hate me (delusion of fame #2) for being a bit outspoken in my writings.

or dalam erti kata lain, bila menulis tu, macam bagus.

so, am i no longer an expressive person? since i've been abandoning this blog for forever. yup i think my expressiveness regressed a bit along with my self-maturing process. i do regret posting certain things on my blog before, looking back, there were times when i acted like a child and write stupid stuffs. but well, people make mistakes and learn.

having a blog, i sure have gained quite a number of haters (delusion of fame #3) i was one hell of an active blogger before, voicing out my opinions about this and that. you know, eventhough sometimes my opinion about something is a bit absurd, i wrote it anyway, because i believe everybody has the right to have their own belief.

and apart from me being delusional, some of my readers are delusional too. while i was too busy writing about something else, might be referring to someone else, some readers thought i was writing about them. yeah it happened.

i was told about it and was dumbfounded to know that these people thought i was writing about them when the real fact is i was writing about my very own sister. people make assumptions, and as the result of the assumption they made, i became the object of hatred among them.

btw, that was just an example, an old story i have yet to share. and maybe one of many reasons i became less enthusiastic in blogging. not that i'm afraid people will keep hating me (seriously those people who hate me means nothing to me so they can go on hating me) but it's sick to know that people can really go about and make such an idiotic assumptions about ur writings. i do miss blogging somehow, it's so me. writing is so me.

apart from being expressive through writings, i am generally expressive in actions. like for example, when i love someone, i tend to show it a little bit too much. or when i'm angry, i'll burst like a volcano.

i rarely keep things to myself, but when i do, it only mean one thing : that i'm really really really hurt. and surprisingly, i've been keeping things to myself quite a lot lately.

and then it hits me, am i really hurt or am i losing my expressive nature?

either way, keeping things to myself isn't helping me in any way. and from things that has been happening around me, i concluded myself from being too hurtful by some people that even discussing about it won't make anything better hence the new less-expressive-ira.

however, let's not just look at the downside of the event. there must be something good about me being the new me. people will see me as someone who don't complaint, who accepts things as it is and someone who's thankful enough for what she has.

lol that is too angelic for me. people know how hot-tempered i am and being a penyabar like that, u can call it miracle, more like a world wonder.

maybe i am delusional to think that people are even aware of my changes. but i do hope somehow, people will stop treating me like an option.

and to bring this blog come back to life, i will, maybe, try to write more often and be more expressive in my writings. damn i can't just quit being expressive both in writings and actions, i can really die not expressing what i feel because that sucky feeling, if u keep it to urself long enough, it'll eat u from the inside. and before u know it, u may be too fucked up to care already.

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