.

3.48am in the morning, currently listening to concrete girl by switchfoot, it's my fav song when things fall apart....

no matter how strong i appear to be, sometimes i feel like everything failed on me...it seems like things keep falling apart..keep crushing...and people keep trying to pull me down...

people just don't get it when i already tried my best level to be patient....to cope up with difficulties n hard times...people will only see me and my faults...people will only judge me on my wrongdoings...they never care what i did right...they never care the fact that i tried...

so many things in my mind..in my heart..yet i lost the way to express things like i always did....and what stucked inside my heart makes it harder for me but people dunno that...

so many things are against me at the moment...but what options do i have? i just have to keep moving forward...i just have to keep in mind that hopefully my loved ones will always be there for me...i just have to keep in mind that hopefully i'll find some lights at the end of the tunnel...

just saying...and if this is also wrong to you, i dunno what's right anymore..

i'm such a cry baby!!

so we're finally here :( this is the beginning of my LDR omggg! was prepared for this long time ago but i guess things aren't that easy though i've already prepared myself mentally and emotionally.

so last night was our final dinner together in India before i sent him off to the airport earlier today. it was my treat, for his farewell and to congratulate him for passing his final MBBS exam and finally become a doctor :) last time he already belanja me sushi (sushi here is so damn expensive!!! even more expensive than having a dinner at this 5-star hotel, i'm not kidding!)

so i have started crying since 2 days ago lol. cried in my sleep knowing that he will be leaving. last night, i wrote a letter to him (hahahaha i'm traditional and romantic like dattt :P) tu pun dah nangis2, and then he came to my house and played a video i made for him pun i cpt2 blah pegi dapur konon2 nk buat air padahal my eyes dah bertakung, and then borak2 a little bit n he started telling some jokes n teased me but i cried coz i know i'll miss that nanti hahahah. tadi i sent him off at the airport, i did try to remain cool and calm tapi last2 i cried jugakkkkk, he wiped my tears, told me not to cry and smile and be happy for him, hugged me some more, only to make me cry even harder haihhh.

over gila okay i myself didn't expect i would be crying this much!! after i sent him off at the airport, went back home to catch some sleep, bangun tido balik i was hungry and it felt weird not to have him asking me where to dine tonight and i cried again. super lol. melampauuuuu macam orang meroyan baru break plak aku ni kannn!

guess i've gotten myself wayyy too attached to him while he was here. which i won't call it a mistake coz i love being around him, it kinda feel at home whenever i'm with him. he finished his exam and everything since 1 month back but he didn't go back to M'sia right away to wait for his official results and settle some stuffs, and for me of courseeee!! :P so he extended his stay for 1 month more and still i'm mourning when he left -_____-"

i was positive about him leaving, i told him, this must be a good thing, u know, for us to part temporarily (i hope) when we're together for wayyy too long already and then he blurted it out, yeah it cud be a good thing but u know this is 'cabaran' also, and then yeahhh i was being realistic too i know things won't be that simple but i'm crossing my fingers for this and for us to work.

u know i can go on and on with my rantings especially now that i tengah melayan perasaan yang lara ni hahahahha (drama queen nk mampos pls) but maybe i should stop, nobody really care about what i feel anyway even if i write 40 long pages of this. but of course, writing this out makes me feel a little bit better, glad that i got this off my chest.

so to whom it may concern, you'll be missed, in fact, i'm already missing you :(

i really hope 4 months won't change anything about us. i hope 4 months will only make us stronger than ever before. love you lotssss!!!!

ketidakkuasaan

tak kosser nak friendly with people who don't even regard you as friend. life taught me not to susah2 trying to impress or be nice to people who hate you. it's just not worth your time, not at all.

kat dunia ni, orang bukannye sikit, tapi berlambak. kalau 10 orang benci kat kau, you can actually make 100 more new friends. so biak pi those yang benci kau. tak payah nk tertenggek2 buat baik lagi, tak payah nak ''ehhh hiiii lame tak jmpeee?" "ehhh how are youuu, ur dress looks nice!" ptuih. aku tak kosser.

i used to feel bad when people hate me, but then think again, i don't even like everybody. so be it la kan. but if you wanna hate someone pun, biar lah bersebab, biar lah ade substance, biar lah reasonable jgk sbb tu. tak boleh jgk nak benci orang sebab dia gedik, abis kau sure ke kau tak gedik? ade jgk orang benci sebab orang tu kaya, abis kalau kau kaya nanti, tk payah nk complaint kalo orang kampung benci kau.

i tried to instill positive thoughts and perception towards everybody, i tried not to hate people sangat2, yeah sometimes u don't like certain ppl for certain reasons, tapi tak perlu la benci membuak2 kot kan. but if aku boleh tahan tak buat perangai yg aku benci sgt kat kau (enough aku je tau yg aku takde la suke kau sgt) but you can't do the same thing to me, 2 words, you suckkk!

so from now on, i wanna stop being friendly (wpun orang slalu ckp aku sombong to the core but i believe i am still a friendly person to some extend hahahahahha) i wanna stop saying hi or smile or whatever shit to ppl who don't even regard me as friend.

and just a reminder, it's not my loss, it's yours.

just saying

i found love when i stopped looking for one.

so,

lower down your expectation,

and let life surprises you :)

it's different then, it's different now.

not having so much readers just when i started out writing, i can write without that feeling of being judged by the public. yes, i do write a lot about personal stuffs (not la so personal sampai cerita pasal cebok berak ke apa kan, u know, on the surface of it je lah) like family, best friends and especially boyfriend gahhh, our trip, our day out, whatever shit we did, i wrote it in my blog.

my intention was not to show off, but i'm that kind of person who loves to keep a record of stuffs that i do. so that i have my own special way of reminiscing it instead of keeping it just like that in my brain. u know, bile ingat balik memories sambil bace ur old blog post, the feeling is different than just ingat balik just like that. get what i mean? get it get it?

and then it came to a point when my number of blog followers was rising, i get lots of comments (some are positive comments, occasionally i do get offensive comments too) from my readers, not to mention, i do get comments from anonymous too.

apparently, that overwhelming feeling of getting quite a number of followers don't last long. i get that exaggerated feeling of being too exposed to the world (hahah melampau kan nak rase mcm tu padahal i'm not even a celebrity pun ahaha dat's why cakap exaggerated :P) but somehow, i do hear la some suara sumbang u know, saying this n that about me, acting like they know me just by reading my blog. my god, ppl can really be cruel.

and then i slowed down a bit in blogging. the downside of having a blog is u'll have people thinking that they know u to the very core, and spread shit about u. this is the truth.

and ade nak dekat setahun jugak la i really turned on the hibernate mode, i don't really blog anymore especially not about family, friends and boyfriend. people do ask me why i don't blog anymore, some of the things i said to reply them was 'i lost the drive to write' and 'am too busy to write'

but the actual thing is, i was in that phase where i don't wanna write coz i feel like everyone will read and everyone will judge me and eventually i will get no good things in return.

but now that my blog traffic has slowed down a bit (a lot actuallyyyyy), i feel like i'm free to write again hihiks. i hope to be a better writer and i hope not to deal with judgemental readers anymore.

cheers :)

Hi doc, I love you!

5 years of hard work (ye ke? :P) pays! My 1 year senior whom I've been dating for 1 year ++ is finally done with medical school and I can now call him Dr. Shaiful Jefri :)

Wasn't there throughout his 5 years journey of becoming a doctor (esp the first 3 years) coz apparently, he was too sombong to make me his friend :P (but if you listen to his side of story, he'll tell you that I was the one yang sombong coz I replied him ''mane2 je la'' when he decently asked me where do I bought the sarees LOL, and that was about ermm 3 years ago eh?) - that was his first attempt to make a conversation with me face to face.

Though I wasn't there for him since the very beginning of his journey of becoming a doctor, I'm glad I made it to the end of his journey :) and the end of this means a beginning of something new, he's gonna be a doctor and I wanna stay right by his side during his rise and fall and during his difficult and happy times hopefully. (you know you can plan the world but God makes it happen)

Just so you know, I'm so very proud of you, and though you're nervous as hell to start a new life as an adult, know that I will always be there to support you, criticize you :P, and help you get back up if you're down :) Not just me, your family and friends will be there for you too!!

And to nurses out there, don't you dare menggatal with my boyfriend!! I'll be one psycho bitch if you do! Hahahahaha till then, daaa!!

are you intimidated?

very often when we step outside our comfort zone and start mingling with people who are not really in our league, intimidation sets in.

but here's a different setting, instead of feeling intimidated with people you're not used to hang out with, you're intimidated with your own partner, partner as in, your own lover. now how does that sound to you? sounds like bull, but it happens in real life.

a number of aspects can be taken into account when talking about intimidation between two lovers. intelligence, physical appearance, wealth and social life.

i have a girl friend who is extremely genius but she's having a real hard time finding a guy who's brave enough to approach her and make her the love of his life. obviously, if you're studying in the same course and the girl performs way better than you (despite all your hardwork) it will definitely lead to the guy being intimidated by the girl's intelligent brain.

it needs two people to work this out. the girl may be a genius and the guy is already intimidated. but she can help the guy to regain his confidence by not being competitive, or asking him questions she knew he can't answer or make him do things he's which is not really his expertise.

instead, if i were to be that girl, i will find the area that the guy is good and talented about and make him stand out with that. it's that simple. take for example, if the guy has a good knowledge about cars and engine and things like that, make him stand out with that.

how? make him feel needed. ask him questions where he can really explain and elaborate like a pro, promote his expertise to your friends who are in need of his help and don't forget to tell him he's absolutely awesome at doing his job. but do it sincerely, don't fake it.

wealth and family status might not be a big issue when you just started out. but along the way, you may unknowingly or unintentionally downgrade your partner's family status. it really happened.

know this, when your lover reveals about her family problem (be it financial or personal), it simply means they trust you and trust that you won't judge her family. but we all know human being makes lots of mistakes and we may have terlepas or tersilap cakap, u know, u don't mean it but u're just suck at choosing ur words.

tips are, listen and comfort her, don't criticize just yet, and more importantly, don't make such a stupid comments. chances are, when we share our family problem, we don't really wish for a solution from you, we just need to be heard. we just wanna share.

and say, if you come from a very rich family, dating someone from middle class family, how do you deal with it? make her feel welcome. maybe the person tak kaya with harta benda, but look at other area, maybe her family kaya dengan nilai2 murni and kasih sayang, kan?

so, in case your partner's family house is a bit small and stuffy, but the house is filled with lovely people, friendly, really welcome you and treat you like family, please, forget about being a diva who cannot tahan staying in stuffy small house like that. enjoy the people, enjoy the talk, be friendly, smile and laugh a lot.

that way, hopefully both parties will feel like they really blend into each other. and there's no more question about feeling intimidated when the richer family forget about being rich and blend in well with the middle class people :)

if you are an introvert and your boyfriend is an extrovert (or vice versa) you might have this intimidation issue also. or if you have a boring life or boring past, but your partner has a cool circle of friends and always up to something, you'll definitely feel intimidated.

unless, the extrovert one makes an attempt to make the introvert one feels accepted and make him part of her circle, this won't be an issue. and for this to happen, it takes more than just a person, it takes the whole group to welcome the shy partner also.

see, a relationship hardly works out if either one of them is intimidated with the other. you cannot be with someone you're intimidated with. you are about to share your life and your dream, and seeing the other person as a way superior person than you, to the extend that makes you feel bad about yourself, is definitely not healthy.

how can you achieve a happy life when you constantly feel inferior with someone you love? you can't.

work it out, talk to your partner, make him help you with your issue :)

this is just my two cents, you might not agree but this is what i feel about it, and what i've been observing all dis while. cheers :)

Oliver Haris Gibbs

say hi to my newborn nephew :)

14.5.2012

10.20 am

when growing up means growing apart

i don't mind growing up. growing up means getting bigger responsibility, achieve bigger things, live your childhood dream and be a wiser person.

but i wish to grow up and still keep whatever i had in my younger days. and that includes friends, especially best friends. not just them, i somehow wish to keep them and make them stay just the way they are when i first knew them. that's ridiculous, yes i know that now.

as you grow up, living away from each other, surrounded by different environment and culture, and different circle of friends, some might have entered the working life a little earlier, some other might stucked somewhere in the corner of the world, it makes a lot of difference.

and part of me tried to deny the obvious differences (which is silly) but bigger part of brain realize the person we've all become. it's just different. we are now different. we don't really share the same opinions or jokes anymore.

and eventually you'll realize, people move on with their life. nobody is gonna wait for you, or nobody is even bother to catch up with your pace anymore. we're no longer in school or college. you own your own life.