mak paling garang

hi girls!

soooo, i was studying (yes i did :P) hematology, reading something about petechiae and all, and then i end up belek-ing my own pin-point sized petechiae on my upper limbs. ohh wait, i know i'm using jargon now hahaha so let me tell ya what petechiae is.

petechiae is red dots underneath the skin, it could be a symptom for an underlying disease. macam if u gune pen merah pastu conteng dots on ur skin, yeah, something like that, except that u know it doesn't come from the pen ink!

sooo, the petechiae on my skin has been there for forever. i really can't tell when it started to appear, i've worried once or twice bout it but i never really look up about it since it's not painful, nor it is clearly visible, so yeah, i neglected it. it's better to worry about my acne than my pin-point petechiae kan kan. pin-point je pon helloooo. apa ada hal.

but i was in the mood of studying and so i looked up about petechiae in my books and i googled bout it. i googled 'pin-point petechiae on my upper limb'. no kidding man, i'm not the only one. and reading the responses and whatnot on the net freaks me out. freaks the hell out of me. i ni dahla memang hypochondriac, i have this syndrome when i read bout diseases and then i recall i have some of the symptoms, mule la menggelabah thinking that i have that disease!

so, i read and read and read and i freak out more and more. and then i remember the fact that i bruise easily. yes seriously even my boyfriend agreed, i selalu la tetibe ade lebam tktau pasal ape. lagila i menggelupur cuak. so i just texted my mom ni ha, asking her if we have family history of any blood disorder other than thalassemia (oh yes, my siblings are all thalassemia trait positive except me and sarah :/) and i had to wake my bf up in the middle of the night to tell him all about this. i can't wait until tomorrow morning sebab i tengah cuak niiiii. i baca the differential diagnosis - low platelet count (okay that doesn't sound so bad), autoimmune disease (what?), lupus (what the hell????) and leukemia (okkkk seriously go to hellllll i takutttt dah)

my sane mind and sedikit sebanyak ilmu medicine i (ewah) mcm convinced myself la takkan la leukemia kot, i'm healthy as for now, if i have that big of an illness i don't think i can still live healthily skarang. but anyway, i have to look up for the causes of why i have these small2 petechiae on my upper limb and why do i bruise easily. esok, i nak pergi attack Dr. Spurgeon i, since i memang follow dia ward round pagi2.

anyway, this kinda remind me of my mom la sebenarnya. everytime i have doubts thinking that i have major disease inside my body, the first person i will consult n tanya everything is my mom since she has medical background also.

tapi mak i ni dia bukan jenis macam mak2 orang lain. kalau anak ngadu demam, mak orang lain mesti macam "omg anak mak demam??? anak mak ok tak niiii????" mak lagi menggelabah dari anak yang demam. my mom? memang tak la ok. my mom kalau i cakap i demam panas berhari2 pun die lek je ckp 'ha mkn la ubat, rehat cukup2, nnt baik la tu' hahahaha. rasa kurang kasih sayang pun ada tau.

when i was in KMS, on this one fine day, i suddenly felt lump in my breast. dalam kepala otak i, could it be...that i have breast cancer???? i called up my mom, cerita macam drama habis, i told her i want to go back right away and have it checked right away sebab i takut sangat2 dah ni. u know what my mom said?

"kakak tkyah balik, tkde ape tu"

dia boleh cakap tkde ape?????? i macam okkkk, bengang tau. i rase macam, mak i ni tak sayang i tau. anak dia suspect breast cancer dia bole buat taktau. i sedih mak i tak kasi balik, tak suro i pegi check pun. kalau i betul ade cancer camne, nanti dh end stage camne, nanti too late for treatment camne, nanti i mati camne? mak i tak fikir ke semua tu? sedih gila ok.

tapi i degil, i went back jugak. i went to the clinic with my dad sebab my mom malas nak layan. she repeatedly cakap "tkde pape tu, mak tau la tkde pape, mak kan doctor". i cam stress, takkan tkde pape kot. mak aku ni tak sayang aku, confirm.

went to see the doctor, she confirmed it. memang takde pape pun wahahahahahaha. breast cancer wak lu i was only 18 or 19 time tu (though it's not impossible for an 18-yr-old girl to hv one, it's actually very unlikely) and yeah, it's really nothing. she said i can either have it removed by surgery or let it be. i dengar surgery time tu, sumpah i nangis depan doctor tu. drama queen since forever :/

so i went back home, my mom dah sengih2 cakap "kan mak dah ckp tkde pape, tkde breast cancer nye, takmo dengar cakap mak, orang kate tkyah balik dulu sebab nanti2 boleh check, kakak degil, nak jgk balik, ha ikut kau la'' pastu gelak gelak gelak. lol

wakakakakakkaa. yelahhhh, anak mak ni time tu mane blaja medic lagi, mane la nk tau breast cancer ke apa. dia leh slambe je takmo layan anak tgh menggelupur thinking that she has breast cancer.

tu lah i cakap. my mom ni one of a kind, i rase dia tak sepatutnye jadi surirumah or doctor, dia patut masuk army ke apa, coz the way she brought us up, pedepergghhhhh, hidup i ni macam kene pantau ngan askar. sumpah. dahla garang gila. garang gila gila gila gila i know nobody will believe me sebab muka mak i muka ibu paling lembut skali. tapi pleaselah, she's the garang-est mom i ever know.

but because of her way of bringing us up ni lah, i think kitorang ni tkde la end up jadi anak manja yg gedik sangat tu. setakat boleh gedik dengan my dad jek. nak gedik dengan my mom? dalam mimpi je lah ok.

tapi when i sakit yang bebetul sakit, she really take care of me lah. one of my fav moment masa i had appendicectomy. i was warded for about a week (i think so, dah lama), she took care of me at the hospital, bawak i pegi toilet semua, layan i muntah2 semua hihiks. time tu i can gedik lol. okay dah rindu my mom dah. hiks. terus hilang semua risau petechiae :P

so that's all i guess. i nak bersahur ni! hihiks. daaa.

something to ponder :)

assalamualaikum and hello girls!!

so i just feel like sharing something. something i THINK, would make you stop and wonder how lucky we are to be born normal and cukup sifat :D

i have a baby brother, my one and only brother, whom i really really really love dunia akhirat insyaallah (since he's the only one brother i have) but that doesn't make me love my sisters any less la just because i have a total of 4 sisters hahaha :P nah, i love 'em all equally hihiks.

okay back to the thing that i wanna share. my baby brother, he's not like all of us. he's a special kid. special kid as in, dia ada kekurangan sikit tak macam normal people. and don't get me wrong, i don't share this to downgrade him or whatsoever (and don't you dare downgrading him too, u're messing with me if you do) so yeah, he has this inferiority complex and all because of his kekurangan.

one day i was in the car with my dad, and he asked me a simple question. he answered it himself as i couldn't come out with the kind of answer that he wants. he asked me;

"cube bagitau abah ape kelebihan orang2 macam Amir(my baby brother)?"

i macam "aaaaaaa *thinking* ade kelebihan, sat naa pikir sat, aaaaa..."

ek eleh lame sangat pikir nak jawab soklan kacang camtu kan, so he answered his own question.

"orang macam Amir tu, sebab dia tau dia ada kekurangan dia, dia tak kacau orang, dia tak reti dengki, dia tak reti sombong, tak reti perlekeh orang, tak reti tipu orang macam kite manusia normal ni biase buat, so dekat situ, banyak dosa dah dia dapat elak, tu kelebihan orang2 macam Amir"

Ya Allah, i tak terfikir langsung, boleh tak?

i rase what my dad just said was soooo deep and meaningful, don't you think?

it's so true. because we all are perfect, we tend to be arrogant thinking that we are greater than other people, and then we look down on others, downgrade other people, go extra miles doing things we shouldn't do out of hatred or jealousy. tapi orang2 macam Amir, diorang akan ke buat macam tu? very unlikely.

he won't do such things. he won't even attempt to do such things because he doesn't have that feeling of arrogance or feeling like he's better than other people. tak pernah i terfikir kelebihan yang Allah bagi dekat dia tu. kite manusia yang sempurna ni banyak kumpul dosa dekat situ, tapi my baby brother, insyaAllah, dia banyak dapat mengelak kumpul dosa-dosa kering macam tu. blessing in disguise i would say.

isn't it wonderful? Allah bagi kekurangan dekat seseorang, tapi without most people realizing it, orang tu tetap ada kelebihan dia tersendiri.

to me, it's really something to ponder upon :)

selamat berpuasa and selamat beramal!

afraid that i'm not afraid

if you're expecting me to post up an entry to wish all of you Selamat Menyambut Ramadhan Al-Mubarak, sorry i have to turn you down. that is a little bit too cliche, bila puasa semua orang pun nak post entry macam tu, me? malas lah. i mesti lah nak lain dari lain.

lol. tak boleh nak cliche la kan kononnye. lempang sikit. hihiks. yelah yelah, i nak ucapkan Selamat Menyambut Bulan Puasa la ni kat all of you. ikhlas dari hati i, let's utilize this month of blessing to get closer to our Creator. hiks. actually rather than reminding all of you, sebenarnya i'm reminding myself jugak, i'm far left behind, have a lot to catch up. so, disebabkan i know i'm far left behind hiks, i segan la nk igt2kan orang sangat, baik lah i ingatkan diri sendiri ye dak.

so anyway, i'm actually worried!!!! my final professional MBBS examination is just in 2 months time and i've yet to start reading, like, really start reading. hua nangis sekarang! dah penat nangis smpai pening, lepas tu boleh tido. maka, boleh hilangkan kerisauan. maka, memang aku takkan start belajar.

time SPM dulu, sumpah wei, bulan 7 aku dah start menggelupur. time tu tak reti takut hantu, stay up la smpai tgh malam, bangun la pagi buta study sengsorang dekat study room. menggelupur sebab janji dengan Nadia Ismail si kawan baik seblah meja "kalau kita tak dapat 10A1, kita kena terjun bangunan, janji" pui. keluar result, memasing senyap lupa janji. takpe takpe, sebab time aku SPM, kitorang first batch yg kena exam EST, time tu EST punye format macam puipui (nak type mende lain, tapi sebab bulan puasa, nak type pppp..jadi puipui je lah) jadi tak dpt 10A1 dimaafkan jek lah ok.

itu SPM. time tu nak SPM adalah perkara hidup dan mati. kau makan SPM, minum SPM, tido SPM, main SPM, dating SPM, kutuk warden pun SPM (eh?) i don't know about others la kan, but when i was in form 5, i tak nerd (jauh sekaliiii pls stop imagining an image of me being a nerdy girl, tak pernah seumur hidup, pui) tapiiii, disebabkan semua orang pun pandai rajin n kalau tak rajin pun still diorang mcm pandai nk mati, contohnye lagi sorang si kawan baik Nur Farhanah, keje bangun tido, pegi kelas, cikgu masuk, sambung tido, kelas habis, balik dorm, sambung tido, bila keluar result, pui, ini bukan result budak kuat tido. memang sakit hati ok.

so yes, i was rajin. memang bukan tahap rajin gila tapi rajin la dari sekarang. padahal kalau nak compare buku aku kena bace time SPM dengan buku yang aku kena bace utk my professional exam, ade la dalam 10 kali ganda? NO KIDDING. tapi sekarang dah tinggal 2 bulan, aku start pun belum. how now brown cow?

thing is, this is me. no competition, means no working for it maa. dulu when i was in boarding school, duduk dorm, satu dorm 16 orang. kalau kau tengok separuh dorm study tapi kau tgh melepak, tak sesak nafas time tu jugak ke? in the end, u'll end up studying so that u won't be left behind.

sekarang, duduk bilik sorang. wah, mementang ada duit lebih, demand duduk bilik sorang. duduk dalam dunia sendiri. hari2 youtube, movies2k, malaymoviesfull. lepas tu skype, whatsapp, calling2 pulak lagi. banyak masa i. dah habis bersosial, pap, tido. orang lain study ke tak ke, aku ape tau.

bukan tak risau, risau okay. but then i need to stop my ass from worrying and really start studying omagashh!!!! kalau dulu SPM tu perkara hidup dan mati, ni aku nk jadi doctor, bukankah tu perkara hidup dan mati aku dan jugak my future patients?

so zahirah tarmizi, this is monologue dalaman la sebenarnya, my very own worrying about my very own self. ya rabbi, tolong lah, esok kau settle pasal saree habis2 (eh, sempat), balik rumah please lah, please lah, please lah, study.

maybe i need to remind myself about what my mum has been telling me all this while.

"study lah sementara masih muda, sementara otak masih active, sementara masih ade tenaga"

ha, motivated tak? saye motivated sudah!! tapi sekarang sudah 2.30 in the morning hiks. esok kite study stade ok! good nite peeps.

Abg Kaka'

hello girlies!

so recently, P went to help a medical officer doctor organizing a motivational camp for the exam-going students (PMR and SPM candidates) surprise surprise!! :P i was surprised too when he told me this, but then again, it's a good exposure for him as well. daripada dulu student nakal2, sekarang tolong buat motivation camp you!! :P bole la jugak die bagi talk kan "abang dulu nakal jugak macam kamu semua, tapi tengok abg skarang, dah nak jadi doctor dah" wahahahha. okay that didn't happen. that was just my imagination okayy!! lol. he went there not to give out talk, he was just there to help out, as abg faci.

so anyway, remember time sekolah2 dulu whenever ade motivational camp and some abg2 and kakak2 faci from outside datang to give talk, girls will go drooling over abg faci yang handsome, remember? honestly, i don't. i don't remember having any crush on any abg faci coz honestly, most of my motivational camp semua includes kakak2 faci jek, yang tudung2 labuh tu, kenape takde abg faci hot datang bagi motivasi dekat sekolah i???? patutlah i tak motivated. hahahaha.

so anyways, i kinda expected this already. mmg la si boyfriend i ni jadi hot stuff dekat sekolah yang die pegi buat motivasi tu. dia cerita kat i mcm ni.

"mase the MO tanye the students 'okay, kamu nk kenal dengan kakak atau abg faci yang mane satu??' lepas tu bebudak ni ramai2 cakap 'abg kaka'!!!' "

ok, sape lagi abg kaka' kat situ? P lahhh!! amboih, hot stuff you yangggg. tapi dia ni mcm betul je orang panggil dia 'abg kaka', tah2 syok sendiri jek.

and then he got back from the motivational camp, guess what? the kids added him on facebook and when he approved the friend request, they were like "abg kaka yang hensem, tq approve", "yeay abg kaka dah approve, saye dari kumpulan atok comel'' erm okay, okay, i believe him now.

hahahahah dari dulu orang dok cakap his face resemble this football player, Kaka, but i refused to agree, tapi lepas dah bebudak ni semua panggil dia abg kaka, i pun bermuhasabah la kejap tengok gmbar dia lepas tu tengok gmbar kaka, tengok gmbar dia, tengok gmbar kaka, ok fineeee! ade la rupe sikittt!! sikit je pun!! hahahahaha

the real Kaka

Kaka' celup with his awesome girlfriend hihiks

not just Kaka, ade orang kate he resemble our national astronaut Dr Sheikh Muszaffar la, Mr Bean la, and Russell Brand!!! ni lagi satu, orang asik dok cakap he looks like Russell Brand. ei abis i muke macam sape? asal boyfriend i je yang resemble all the celebrities ni? nyampah tauuu! ahahah

Kaka in action

my Abg Kaka in action

Tapi, the real Kaka takde buat muke retard like this kan?

Yeah, that's him omg. so la menghampakan okay kalau camwhore dengan dia ni, asik la nak buat muka retard dia sampai i nak sweet2 pun tak jadi. harapan je lah nak sweet2 dgn dia nih ahahaha. i didn't expect for him to give that pose in the 2nd pic, that's why la if u see my hidung dah kembang kempis nak tergelak tengok dia buat pose 'omg ade taik hidung' -___-" sabar je lahhh!

so anyway, i think he did a great job as abg faci aka abg kaka yang hot dekat sekolah tu hihi. proud of you okay! nooo, i'm not jealous, hahahah nasib la i'm one awesome girlfriend yang tak jealous the bf ramai peminat. abg kaka pun abg kaka lah. janji abg kaka syg i :P

till then, daaa.

you know you've grown up so much when. . .

...when the person you used to really hate, you don't hate anymore.

and it happened to me recently. a person i used to really hate like really really really hate yang tak boleh nak cakap tak boleh tengok pun if cakap or tengok i rasa nak lempang, talked to me and i was surprisingly, totally fine with it.

totally fine yang siap boleh senyum, gelak, buat lawak, tanya khabar and everything. i did 'em all unconsciously. after the short meeting was over baru i macam "eh, i used to really hate this person, but i talked to her like we're good friends just now'' hahaha.

alhamdulillah, i told myself. this is a good thing. thank you for taking away all the negative feeling and hatred, dear Allah. thank you for giving me room to grow wiser and stronger :)

:)

every saint has a past, every sinner has a future

hello girlies! i tengah study ni and i suddenly have the urge to write (alwayssss la like dis) kuang kuang kuang and disebabkan my attention span to study mmg sependek bulu hidung i (which is sgt pendek) so i'll just write this out and get back to my books later dgn lebih focus! huyyo books (note the plural, percayakah anda?)

anywayssss,

every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. came across this quote somewhere recently and i find it very, very, very deep.

i kan, daripada sekolah menengah harian dkt Shah Alam, went to boarding school in KL, went to college mara seremban in Seremban durrhhh, and now currently studying in India, i have friends from all walks of life.

i ade kawan yg baik, normal, retard, kaya, sederhana, miskin, pelik, pencinta muzik, pencinta sukan, pencinta wanita, pencinta laki2 handsome, mempunyai seksualiti songsang, kuat agama (i pnah roommate dgn usrahwati - wakakakkaka for a moment i lupe the word. . .*still thinking, come on come onnnnn, what's the word??? haa NAQIBAH!!! usrahwati kejadah plak!*), so-so dlm agama, hanyut dari agama, i ade kawan peminum, yg jual dadah sebab nk cari duit pegi dating, yang kerja menghabiskan duit mak bapak, school drop-outs and macam2 lah. the list goes on and on.

sebenarnya i never really pilih kawan. janji satu kepala, tak kesah la kau ustazah ke kau bohsia ke, janji kau bole jadi kawan yang baik, i can be a good friend jugak.

dalam byk2 kawan i yang category baik and category kurang baik ni, banyak changes dah berlaku. manusia kan berubah.

kebanyakan changes that i've seen adalah changes ke arah kebaikan. kawan2 i yg daripada jenis party animal now dah reti duduk diam sikit, yang dulu stakat sarung sleeveless and shorts now dah cantik bertudung, yang dulu tak pnah ingat nak solat now dh start jugak sikit2. it's a wonderful thing to see.

i don't wanna petik pasal changes ke arah keburukan. itu pun ade jugak, but let's just focus about the good changes :)

siapa kata sekali orang tu pnah jahat, dia selamanya jahat? i think it's a part of growing up. jadi budak jahat, try itu, try ini, but when you knal that person closely, sebenarnya hati dia baik je. really, i honestly rase sejahat2 orang, mesti ade part of him yang masih baik, yang masih teachable to be a better person.

never judge a person melampau2. never really cakap ''budak ni xreti solat, mmg tkde masa depan'', ''budak ni hari2 minum air setan, dah tkleh betulkan dah'', ''budak ni makan duit haram, jgn kawan dengan die''

correct me if i'm wrong but, bukan ke kite sepatutnye help or guide or monitor from afar or the least pun, mendoakan orang tu, rather than outcast him and menghina mencaci mengeji diorang as if diorang memang takkan dapat second chance to live a good life?

sebab kite taktau what the future holds. tah2 bulan depan, orang yang kau pandang seblah mata sebab dia ni konon jahat sangat, tetibe jadi lagi baik dari kau? u never know. people can change 360 degrees if that's what already written.

so, moral of the story is and reminder to myself jugak, jangan perlekehkan orang lain :)

every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. means orang yang sekarang baik mungkin dah lalui zaman gelap diorang, and orang yang kurang baik mungkin akan jadi lebih baik esok lusa. everybody has their chance, insyaAllah.

wealth

some people are so poor, all they have is money.

i'd rather live a life full with love and affection.

that's my definition of wealth.

the businesswoman in me :P

hello girls!! so it's saturday, have you been productive on saturday? me, definitely YES!!! :p i went out for saree hunting to send the next batch of sarees for sale :)

i went out alone, bought 20 sarees altogether, carried 'em all on my own, ahhh right that moment i sangat la memerlukan my lover boy, if he's around takde la i sakit pinggang sakit bahu sakit tangan mengangkut all the 20 sarees ahahaha dahla i stayed up till 7pm coz i forced the shopkeeper to call up his tailor and fix the saree that i bought coz some beads fell off from the saree! i insisted to fix it right away because my friend really want that saree and i can't possibly sell a saree with defect :/ my customer's satisfaction is very important meh!

i've yet to open my sarees for booking but i did show some of 'em to some friends and cousins and alhamdulillah, hanya lepas beberapa jam i shopped, 5 sarees are already booked :)) thank you thank you thank you! 15 sarees are still available, and if you're looking forward to see the sarees before i officially upload it on my facebook for booking, do PM me on facebook okay! :) i have silk, chiffon, crepe and georgette sarees available in stock! here's the sneak preview! :P

my personal fav would be the third one in grey! i think the color itself is so elegant and rare :) it's still available with good price! so what are you waiting for? PM i cepat okay! wakakakakkaa. i know i sangat annoying when promoting my items trololololol! tapi that's me dealing with my business, harus la annoying promote bagai nak rak, baru la boleh hidup dalam dunia perniagaan. ewah wah wah!

i'm actually doing this with my boyfriend, kire i macam pemborong, dia plak pengedar wahahahha roughly, that's how it works, i go buy all the sarees, pick the best sarees in town, post it to him, he'll deal with all the payment and postage. pemodal? mestila bukan i ekekekeke. pemodal adalah sugardaddy i uollzzz! sugardaddy aka pengedar saree kesayangan i!

memula dia bukan main segan nk promote sarees, nak hide dari budak bangalore la ape lah, i said "tak payah la hide ke apeee, buat je public, reshare ur album byk kali, buat ayat promote kaw2, u kene la muke tebal sket if nk jual saree" wakakakakakaka. annoying to the maxxxx!!! laki jual saree, mesti la segan jugak kan, i ape kesah, i mmg muke tebal pun lalalala~~

when i think of it, sebnanye i dah berkecimpung (ewah berkecimpung) dalam bidang perniagaan (hahahah tetibe rasa ayat ni poyo, macam aku berniaga besar-besaran plak!!!) since sekolah rendah!!! i've been selling lots of things and i pun taktau la kenape dari i sekolah2 rendah lagi i dah ade initiative untuk earn my own money. my parents never taught me that tau, i sendiri je pandai2 jual itu la ini la and when i get the profit (though sen2 je), i happy gile kot!!

i started menjual2 masa i darjah 2. ini memang macam bangang sket la, ampunkan la budak darjah 2 ni ek pls. time tu, i bole la dikatakan creative, tulisan cantik and pandai mewarna. tau i jual ape? i amek pesan budak2 kelas suruh i tuliskan name diorang cantik2 and kaler cantik2 and gunting so that they can tampal their name somewhere. gunting pastu tampal la sendiri pakai gam diorang, bukannye sticker or anything. itu pun business bole jalan okay. wakakakakakakak. i am probably the one and only person yg pnah buat business sebangang tu trolololololol!!!! the best part is, bebudak kelas ramai jek pesan and pay me for my artwork!! hahahahahahahahaha thanks la korang2, kecik2 dh bagi semangat and motivasi utk i terus menceburi bidang perniagaan wakakakakakaka.

next, darjah 3 plak. time ni i jual stickers! hihiks. time tu hobi i bole la dikatekan mengumpul stickers. i had few sticker books and i sell stickers. depends la, yg kecik ade 30 sen, besar 50 sen, yang timbul2 or kilat2 tu singgit. hah, kaye jgk tau jual stickers.

at the same time, i jual gambar artis. bukan artis melayu, artis mat salleh uollzzzz. ni kak long i yg introduce. memang gmbar yg dicuci betul dari kedai gmbar tu yg i jual. as far as i remember, satu gambar ade la dalam singgit kot. i byk jual gambar backstreetboys, spice girls, boyzone, 911, haaa, sek2 tu lah. laku wei lakuuuuu!

lepas tu if you guys remember, dulu time kecik2 semua bebudak nak ade card name tu. yg ade tulis name, address, contact number, lepas tu dekat atas ade ucapan, and bole la pilih nak gmbar ape dkt card tu. actually tu mcm deal with a company jugak, kire i cam dealer la something like that, i kumpul dalam 10 orang yg nak, semua byr kat i, and i get a few sets of free name card. rasenyelah that's how it works. pon laku weiiiii.

ape lagi ape lagiii? i penah jual batu seremban kot!!!! bukan stakat jual, i buat batu seremban tu jahit sendiri!!! hah, gigih tak gigih!! if im not mistaken, i siap bole jahit batu seremban yg 3 segi tu kot. wakakakaakkaka when i think about it again, agak kagum la dgn diri sendiri. nak cari duit punye pasal, jahit batu seremban sendiri, jual! beres! pon laku!

ni semua i jual masa sekolah rendah. masuk secondary school plak i dah stop la jual bende2 mengarut ni wahahahaha. tapi bile i broke, i jual baju2 yg i dh taknak. just so you know, i sekolah dekat smks9 shah alam, mostly budak skolah ni memang kaya2, bile i broke, i suruh adik i promote baju2 i yg i dh taknak, i remember selling elle sweater, esprit jeans and few others to kawan2 adik i yg kaye raye ni dengan harga yg still mahal muahahahaha. omg jahatnye i!!! dah diorg mmg kaye, they didn't even question me why harga macam tu! so, jual je lah. hahahahahaha. ampunkan i pls!

hah, lagi satu masa secondary school, i think masa form 1 form 2 kot, i used to sell burn cds. people will give me a list of songs that they want, i'll burn the cd for them. satu cd tu i jual dalam rm10 kot. hihi. not bad jugak! :P

i think that's all kot. hihi. u guys ade buat and jual bende2 ngarut cmni tak time kecik2? i pun tktau ape motif i menjual2 sangat time sekolah rendah tu. nak kata tkde duit, dpt je duit belanja, makanan kat kantin bukan mahal pun, pastu bukannye i bershopping ke ape time tu. hahaha serious tak paham ok. tu mcm unconscious mind. tak sedar pun sebenarnye tgh make money. lolol.

mase sekolah menengah tu yes, i memang menjual2 sebab i needed money. time ni i dh pandai bershopping2 sendiri, keluar jalan and all and i only get rm10 per week. how to survive mannn! (but i survived) so yeah, apart from puasa cam nak gile, i will jual my 2ndhand stuffs and jual burn cds to get money. my parents, they don't pamper us with money. diorang ckp, we'll give you what you need, the rest of the things that u want, which includes barang2 branded semua, kalau nak, beli sendiri. so yeah.

but it was fun, doing all that, it makes me smile ear to ear now :) ahahahahaha. now i know, the businesswoman in me has always been there inside me, since i was a little girl! keep it going!!! :P

so, i end this post with this.

ahlan wa sahlan! (eh?)

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

anyone of you still keep a diary? i mean, diary that is really written by hand, the one that you pour your heart out, the one with little pad lock so even your mom can't have access to your inner thoughts? damn, i don't write such diary anymore. the last time i kept a diary was when i was in kms and damn, i lost it -____-" nasib la siapa yang jumpe and get to read all my ugly thoughts :/

i can't possibly treat my blog as a personal diary. it feels so wrong to share my overflowing thoughts with the public though sometimes i am soooo tempted to write it out. it's not about having people reading it that matters, it's about the satisfaction you get after you write it out. it's like, you got the burden off your chest, it's like a relief, though not totally.

i actually wish to still keep a real diary, but with my current status as medical student, a handwritten diary is probably not the best way for me to share my thoughts. you know, when you keep a diary, you want it to be neat and tidy, with beautiful handwriting and probably a scented diary with some stickers or something like dat (omg i sure have little kid stucked in me still!!) tapi handwriting i skrg amat la hodoh mcm doctor2 gittewwww, nak tulis panjang2 plak, mmg tak la aku nak tulis cantik2, so long dear diary, i can't afford having you updated every now and then, my days with you dear diary, is long gone!

i used to keep diaries, a lot!! i used to share diary with my childhood besties!! hahahaha i used to have one with hana maisurah and dalila! both are my best friend when i was in primary school. i was close to hana when i was in standard 6 i think, and i was close to dalila when i was in standard 4. oh maiii rindunye!!! how my friendship started between me and hana was a really funny one, we started off as enemies!! hahahah it's a long story, i sure spare a post especially dedicated to my friendship with her haha :P

me with hana maisurah

me with dalila rahim

dalila is married btw! :P can't make it to her wedding coz i'm stucked here in india, sedih tau! btw back to diary business! i had our own little diary with dalila when we were in standard 4. we had secret codes!!! means to say, we don't write it out in the normal alphabets ABC tu semua, we had secret code for A, secret code for B, C and so on. so yeah, we wrote using the secret codes!! and for a moment or so, i was actually really fluent writing things out using our secret codes! tak payah nak refer2 which is A, which is B hahahaha. we mostly talk about boys!!! gelenya deh!!! we used to write about the boys we like in school, why we like them and events where our crush actually talked to us! hahahaha so gedik ok as budak sekolah! i used to list down my criteria of dream boy wakakakakakakak. DARJAH 4 WOI, pandai plak aku nk tulis2 pasal dream boy bagai.

we took turns writing out in our diary. i really can't remember writing about anything else other than boys :/ hahahahah and i taktau la mane pegi diary tu sekarang. is it still at my home or is it with her or adakah telah dihapuskan, i have no idea. dalila is my closest ever friend when i was in standard 4 hihi. lots of crazy experience with her as little girl :) i'll write about it when i have the time.

as for hana, i got close to her soon after she left for perak. she kept coming back to shah alam and slept over at my house and it turns out, her mom was my mom's junior in STF (Sekolah Tun Fatimah), what a small world!!! anyway, yeah, we used to write in the same diary. hahaha ala i tk ingat pulak the things we wrote. but this is one thing that makes us smile panjang when hanging out with each other now, the fact that we shared diary and wrote about silly things. hihi. some memories are the best that they can never be replaced :)

anyway, apart from sharing diaries with these 2 friends of mine, i had lots of other diaries on my own. when i was in lower form i used to have a diary jugak and ampunkan la i sebab diary i semua asik tulis pasal the guys i like in school jek, kenapa la kecik2 dah gatal ek? hahahaha and guess what happened the diary!! one day i was searching for my diary and i could not find it, lepas tuuuuuu, i saw my diary in my mom's room!!!! OMG OMG OMGOMGOMGOGMOGMG so dead ok my mom baca pasal my rantings pasal lelaki!!! tak ke bole pengsan mak aku time baca anak dia tulis pasal laki tu laki ni. omagasshhh. lepas tu i diam je tak cakap pape, i never mention about diary to her and my mom pun sama. but i knew she read it. ergghh. biarlah. lupakan. lupakan. hahaha.

now, i rase i really need a diary. i dunno why but lately i'm having major difficulty to express what i feel to other people. it's like, really major! but i know if i decided to keep a diary now, it won't last long. plus if i have a diary now, it won't be about boys anymore, it's gonna be more about life, about growing up, about what i feel about people surrounding me, about how people treat me and what i feel about it, u know, things like that. no more about boys or lelaki idaman. wahahaha. i hope i already found one lah :P

hah. i lost words kejap. see, i'm not normally like this! is this some kind of degenerative disorder?? coz i really have major difficulty in expressing my feelings now, it's like everything is haywire. i badly need to pour this out into a diary, as for the time being, P is like my partially my diary, whenever i rase down, i'll write to him. but i dunno how long this will last. hihi

so what do u think, should i get myself a diary? :)

cranky little me

it's 10 minutes past 1 in the morning and i've been tossing and turning in my bed for more than 1 hour already, still i couldn't sleep. this sucks.

been thinking about a lot of things. gosh, bed time is the best time to reflect and think, and before you know it, you lost hours of ur beauty sleep already :/ hahaha and somehow, the one thing that was on my mind right before i decided to turn on my laptop and blog at this moment was, me being a fairly hot-tempered person. lol. i know i know. this is so random.

i can get really cranky sometimes. omg. close friends of mine know how hot-tempered i can be when things go wrong and when people mess with me. it's horrible, yes. but one thing that i don't understand is, everytime i do try to be patient, people test my patience even more. is this some kind of game? :/

i believe i WAS once calm and patient, i was that person who can still smile and shut up when people treat me at its worst, i was the kind of person who will repeatedly tell myself that 'it's okay, he won't do it again'. i WAS that person. however, despite my good faith that things will turn out fine and good if i keep being patient, i always end up disappointed.

people really pijak kepala u know. u sabar sabar sabar, believe believe believe, but other ppl keep doing shitty things on you, it sucks okay. in the end, my belief that being patient is the best policy was tarnished. i started becoming a really hot-tempered person.

living in this corrupted country, i became even more hot-tempered. i have low tolerance to bullshit. i can be really rude sometimes that i let my anger gets the best of me. omg. it's horrible. really. imagine a petite (eh?) girl mengamuk beria tepi jalan, how do you find it? horrible sight? hahah probably it is.

the last time i got really lost in rage was with a traffic police. i was on my way home from the hospital, tired and sleepy while driving and suddenly this traffic police blocked my way and asked me to pull over the car to the side. yeah, shit happened.

he wanted to fine me for not wearing seat belt. funny thing was, while fining me and lecturing me about not wearing seat belt while driving, lots of other drivers passed us by, WITHOUT WEARING SEAT BELT. tkde pulak dia nak tahan. hah, my blood was mendidih like crazy waiting to burst je lah. i argued and started yelling and everything, yes, to that traffic police. but he was persistent, he issued a fine statement and gave it to me. what i did? i tore it apart and left for my car. in front of him.

he was yelling at me but i didn't bother, i went to my car and continue marah2 ahaha. sebab i was so penat and sleepy and i actually waited for a friend sebab nak save naik kereta together sekali i kena saman sebab tak pakai seat belt tapi driver kereta lain bole plak berjimba2 tak pakai seat belt diorang tak tahan plak? memang i panas ah.

and he came over, issued another fine statement (gigih ok pakcik ni) and asked for my signature and money! haha babi betul. i took the fine statement, instead of signing on it, i made a big quick scribble on it and throw it on him. he yelled, i took out my money and gave it to him. i masuk kereta cepat2 and drove off quickly. yelah, dalam pada i mengamuk like that, i cuak jugak the police naik angin and bunuh i. wakakakaka.

see how hot-tempered i can be. that's just one of many events.

tapi i tak pernah la buat perangai mcm tu to my friends ahahaa. if i get mad with my friends, i will marah time tu but i will forget the next day. not the kind of person who keeps it for a very long time. to me, if i'm mad about something, i'll burst and get cranky about it, and once it is settled, i'm all good with that person again. sometimes, i'll be the one who says sorry for getting mad and tell the other person that i'm cool about it already.

BUTTTT, i really cannot tolerate people who dunno how to say sorry. omg it's annoying!!! if you think you owe me an apology, do it, apologize!! it doesn't make a person small by saying sorry! it makes the world a better place. i tak faham, some people are so egoistic they never wanna say sorry, it's killing me, and it's killing the friendship/relationship! if i can say sorry, why can't you? if i can admit my mistakes, why can't you? really. can't tolerate this.

eh, i get all cranky again thinking about people who refuse to say sorry. urgh. 1 or 2 times maybe i can just telan and forget bout it, eventually people get tired you know. not getting an apology that i should, i'll get bitter one day.

i honestly hope that when i try my best level to co-operate and be patient and try to deal with some minor bullshit, don't test my patience even more. i can try to be patient, but i need some support too. you can't expect me to be patient at the same time giving me more headaches and bullshit to deal with right?

so yeah. let's make the world a better place.