Friday, July 6, 2012

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

anyone of you still keep a diary? i mean, diary that is really written by hand, the one that you pour your heart out, the one with little pad lock so even your mom can't have access to your inner thoughts? damn, i don't write such diary anymore. the last time i kept a diary was when i was in kms and damn, i lost it -____-" nasib la siapa yang jumpe and get to read all my ugly thoughts :/

i can't possibly treat my blog as a personal diary. it feels so wrong to share my overflowing thoughts with the public though sometimes i am soooo tempted to write it out. it's not about having people reading it that matters, it's about the satisfaction you get after you write it out. it's like, you got the burden off your chest, it's like a relief, though not totally.

i actually wish to still keep a real diary, but with my current status as medical student, a handwritten diary is probably not the best way for me to share my thoughts. you know, when you keep a diary, you want it to be neat and tidy, with beautiful handwriting and probably a scented diary with some stickers or something like dat (omg i sure have little kid stucked in me still!!) tapi handwriting i skrg amat la hodoh mcm doctor2 gittewwww, nak tulis panjang2 plak, mmg tak la aku nak tulis cantik2, so long dear diary, i can't afford having you updated every now and then, my days with you dear diary, is long gone!

i used to keep diaries, a lot!! i used to share diary with my childhood besties!! hahahaha i used to have one with hana maisurah and dalila! both are my best friend when i was in primary school. i was close to hana when i was in standard 6 i think, and i was close to dalila when i was in standard 4. oh maiii rindunye!!! how my friendship started between me and hana was a really funny one, we started off as enemies!! hahahah it's a long story, i sure spare a post especially dedicated to my friendship with her haha :P

me with hana maisurah

me with dalila rahim
dalila is married btw! :P can't make it to her wedding coz i'm stucked here in india, sedih tau! btw back to diary business! i had our own little diary with dalila when we were in standard 4. we had secret codes!!! means to say, we don't write it out in the normal alphabets ABC tu semua, we had secret code for A, secret code for B, C and so on. so yeah, we wrote using the secret codes!! and for a moment or so, i was actually really fluent writing things out using our secret codes! tak payah nak refer2 which is A, which is B hahahaha. we mostly talk about boys!!! gelenya deh!!! we used to write about the boys we like in school, why we like them and events where our crush actually talked to us! hahahaha so gedik ok as budak sekolah! i used to list down my criteria of dream boy wakakakakakakak. DARJAH 4 WOI, pandai plak aku nk tulis2 pasal dream boy bagai.

we took turns writing out in our diary. i really can't remember writing about anything else other than boys :/ hahahahah and i taktau la mane pegi diary tu sekarang. is it still at my home or is it with her or adakah telah dihapuskan, i have no idea. dalila is my closest ever friend when i was in standard 4 hihi. lots of crazy experience with her as little girl :) i'll write about it when i have the time.

as for hana, i got close to her soon after she left for perak. she kept coming back to shah alam and slept over at my house and it turns out, her mom was my mom's junior in STF (Sekolah Tun Fatimah), what a small world!!! anyway, yeah, we used to write in the same diary. hahaha ala i tk ingat pulak the things we wrote. but this is one thing that makes us smile panjang when hanging out with each other now, the fact that we shared diary and wrote about silly things. hihi. some memories are the best that they can never be replaced :)

anyway, apart from sharing diaries with these 2 friends of mine, i had lots of other diaries on my own. when i was in lower form i used to have a diary jugak and ampunkan la i sebab diary i semua asik tulis pasal the guys i like in school jek, kenapa la kecik2 dah gatal ek? hahahaha and guess what happened the diary!! one day i was searching for my diary and i could not find it, lepas tuuuuuu, i saw my diary in my mom's room!!!! OMG OMG OMGOMGOMGOGMOGMG so dead ok my mom baca pasal my rantings pasal lelaki!!! tak ke bole pengsan mak aku time baca anak dia tulis pasal laki tu laki ni. omagasshhh. lepas tu i diam je tak cakap pape, i never mention about diary to her and my mom pun sama. but i knew she read it. ergghh. biarlah. lupakan. lupakan. hahaha.

now, i rase i really need a diary. i dunno why but lately i'm having major difficulty to express what i feel to other people. it's like, really major! but i know if i decided to keep a diary now, it won't last long. plus if i have a diary now, it won't be about boys anymore, it's gonna be more about life, about growing up, about what i feel about people surrounding me, about how people treat me and what i feel about it, u know, things like that. no more about boys or lelaki idaman. wahahaha. i hope i already found one lah :P

hah. i lost words kejap. see, i'm not normally like this! is this some kind of degenerative disorder?? coz i really have major difficulty in expressing my feelings now, it's like everything is haywire. i badly need to pour this out into a diary, as for the time being, P is like my partially my diary, whenever i rase down, i'll write to him. but i dunno how long this will last. hihi

so what do u think, should i get myself a diary? :)

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