your facebook, twitter and instagram can wait.

i hope this is gonna be a very short and straightforward post.

so this is about us. yes, us. most of us. most of us are too busy with our gadgets when we have real people real thing real conversation in front of our eyes.

i don't get it. don't you get annoyed when you're hanging out with a bunch of your friends and having a good conversation and suddenly the conversation comes to a halt or jadi hambar because your friends are busy with their fucking phones.

yes i'm talking about you, you and you. am i the only person on this earth who still want to get engaged with real conversation with real people in front of me? damn it i can't be the only one. but i get disappointed hanging out with my friends when in the end, they're all busy with their phones and then totally ignore what's in front of em ; me.

is it really important for you to know the live updates of your other friends. is it really important to read your friends' tweet that you can't wait till you get home to read? is it really important to go through your friends' photos in instagram at that very moment? like, if you don't do it immediately, you're gonna be outdated is it? or someone is going to die because you don't check your fucking phone?

please lah. it started off with this one guy i used to go out with, he was busy bbm-ing another person the whole time he was with me. i got annoyed and i swore to myself i'm not gonna see him again. yes i never see him again after that. and i thought that's it. no that wasn't it.

now, everyone is turning into that kind of person. the kind of person i swore never to meet again. you know, you're busy telling stories to ur friend and tetiba she's busy checking facebook and whatever shit on her phone and then she will be like ''eh kau cerita ape td? ulang balik". ok fine ulang balik cerita. and the next 5 mins, "eh sorry check fb jap tadi, ha ape kau ckp tadi, cite balik"

"cite tahik hanjeng"

if it happens for like 2-3 times and if you know the other person is checking her phone sebab emergency ke or macam kena whatsapp the other half ke apa to inform them ape2 ke that's fine. i mean, i totally understand. i pun from time to time i do text or whatsapp my parents or my bf when i'm in the middle of meeting my friends. but to check all the social websites when you're with your friends, i totally don't get that.

kau anti-social ke apa sampai waktu bersocial kau pun kau kena bukak social websites? get a life, seriously. 

how do you know?

one needs courage to move forward. you can't repeatedly ask urself, "is this the right thing to do?" "is this the right time?" "is he the one?" "what if things go wrong?"

fuck it.

you can either live in ur own bloody world or take risk and move forward.

life, we'll never know what is written for us. we'll never live if we don't explore. so fuck being cautious, fuck over think, fuck it all, just take the risk and move forward. that way, life is more interesting. 

Changes

As I'm writing this, I'm at the verandah of my house breathing in the fresh air and enjoying the chilly rainy season. Gosh I think the weather has gone bonkers, coz it will be raining for 10-15 minutes and then the sun starts to shine again. 

As I sit here just enjoying the sound of birds chirping and the soothing sound of our little waterfalls, I got lost in my own gaze and many things are running through my head. 

It's good to be back home for good. I grew up in this house, this is where I belong, but believe me being away from home for too long makes me rather unfamiliar with the setting of my very own home. I need to keep asking the other family members for things. 

 

"ma, where do you put this?" 

"which switch is for which?"

Same thing happened when I go out. Despite me being someone that mom described as ''tak boleh duduk rumah'', always up for something somewhere with someone, being away from the country for too long makes me a bit awkward and clueless as for where are the right and "in" places to dine-in, the newest coolest places to hang out and I even got lost in my own hometown, Shah Alam. That pretty much conclude how much things have changed while I was away. 

That's not all. Being away from home for too long, I came back home only to realize that my parents don't look as healthy and fit as they were when they sent me off 5 years ago. Parents are really ageing and it's just a matter of time when we (the children) have play the role of taking care that our parents once did for us. This time, it's our time to return their favour, it's our time to take care of them. 

I went off when I was 20, I came back just recently, and I am now 25. Spent half of my 20s abroad, I must say I missed a lot of important events and truth to be told, my absence do break apart the friendship I had with some friends. It's nobody's fault, it's just that not everybody is able to cope with distance and after years of being away, somehow you just don't click anymore. It's sad but life goes on.

That is one thing I regret about being abroad. I love keeping friends, and I can fairly say I'm good at it but the distance and the long years I was away failed me this time. 

To look at things positively, I told myself that this is just us growing up. Sometimes, growing up really means growing apart. So this is me growing up, abroad and away from family and best friends, and now I'm back to my hometown, and ready to rock and roll! (in the hospital, as a busy junior doctor -____-")

finally a full-fledged doctor :)

Hello and assalamualaikum! 

And hello to my blog! i always wanted to write but it's either i'm too lazy or too busy. yes, both, not a very good combination though. anyways, i'm back in malaysia...for good!!!

yes you heard me right, i'm not on another 2-weeks holiday in malaysia, no bloody way! that era is over because i'm officially done with medical school!!!! can you believe it??? i can't!! this is like having a big burden over my head lifted off and can't you tell, i definitely feel absolutely good about this.

and in today's post i would like to share about my near-death experience. oh yes, i had a near-death experience, not everyone is 'lucky' enough to experience that. so here goes!

my near-death experience is my final professional MBBS examination. hahaha call me a drama queen or what, having to go through that is....beyond crazy. here's a little introduction about my exam so u'll get a clearer picture of why it is a near-death experience to me and all my friends.

first of all, a new system and a whole new format was introduced to us just about 1 year before our final exam. the whole schedule and way of teaching and the way classes and posting(s) are conducted are changed without a consistent monitoring from people who are responsible of the idea.

they came to us telling us that they would like to change this and that and your final exam is gonna be like this and that and leave us just like that without proper guidance and monitoring as how the new system would be. that's just so irresponsible and well, such a pain in the ass for us. we're like...the victims, the guinea pigs, the experiment, the puppets. you know what i mean.

so yeah, i don't wanna go into details of how we fought for our right and everything coz that's another long difficult chapter of our life as medical students but alhamdulillah, we survived. so in short, we went on with the new system and format without proper guidance.

for our final exam, we didn't even have mock exam. study leave was given for only 2 weeks. 2 weeks to revise all the core and major subjects (int medicine, surgery, obgyn, paediatrics, psychiatry, orthopaedics etc) and to make things even more worse, we have to read all these subjects and come prepared for all the subjects in one freaking day, for only 2 freaking papers.

imagine, having to read at least 6-7 very thick text books, memorizing possibly more than 100 kinds of diseases ever existed on this world, only to answer probably 3-4 questions. that's insane. that's bloody insane. and the fact that we're not adequately trained for this makes it worse.

as for the practical part, we didn't even know how the flow is gonna be. just a very vague idea of how the exam will be conducted. that's insane and inhumane. come on, we medical students are human too, have some mercy!

whoa that's a long introduction of why my final exam is such a near-death experience. i hope u're not yet bored with my writing. come on lah i haven't write for months, kasi can lah pls :P so anyway, my stress level was peaking about 1-2 months before my final exam. it got worse when my study leave started. i mean, WORST.

i drank at least 1 red bull everyday to keep me awake till morning coz i study best only at night. not the kind of person who is designed to study during daytime. yeah, that's just me. so yeah, i gotta say sorry to my pair of kidney for exposing you to ermmm, such an offending agent. (you know red bull can cause kidney failure!) but i had to do that. to pass my exam. to stay awake and study as much as i could.

because at that moment, even if i didn't sleep at all, even if i finish reading all the books, i doubt i can remember everything. that's just impossible. so yeah, i cried like almost everyday. cried n whine even worse when it comes to reading topics that i hate that i had to call P because he's the only escape that i have, the only one who was willing to listen to me whining and complaining and crying like mad woman. yes, that bad.

yes i can call my mom and complain. i did. but see, my mom hates cry baby. if i cry more than she thinks is necessary, she'll get mad and nag me and i'll cry even worse. so yeah, not a good option. hahaha. it was crazy weh. there was really a lot to read, like, really a lot and there's no way i can finish reading. so bila bukak buku ni teringat buku lain and then i get stressed out and cry. hahaks

but i'm not the kind of person who gives up easily. yes i'm such a drama queen a little bit lah but there's no way i'm going to give up before i even go berperang. ewah. so, i gotta say, i put my whole effort, the most that i can, into this. i sacrificed my sleep, i sacrificed social life, i sacrificed facebook/movies/series, i sacrificed everything that i could for this, to pass this exam. nerdy level 99999.

for the whole 2 months, my life was all about medic. the only thing i did everyday was studying, crying, calling P and start acting like a drama queen, study again, cry again, eat, sleep, wake up and study again, calling P again and the cycle repeats. such a boring life of a nerd.

at that point of time, i just want to pass, and to pass, i needed a good support system. other than P, of course parents are the core support system, the best i could ever ask for. but i tak boleh always call them, because sebab i ni drama queen, everytime i call them and listen to their voice, even without me complaining anything, i can get all teary and zzz, banjir!

because life was too stressful and listening to mom's or dad's voice and advice really makes me rasa sebak. sebak yang to the max. a simple ''i know you can do it'' from dad can get me all teary. and a simple ''kakak, u are born intelligent ok so no need to worry'' can really buat i nangis. it's amazing how your parents trust you and your ability more than you trust yourself. isn't it?

and onto the real exam day. day 1, i slept for about 2 hours, woke up feeling nervous, getting ready for exam, and guess what, ojy (a cat) peed on my bag. thanks lah. what a bad way to start such an important day. nasib baik tak kena my exam slip. i stayed calm and borrowed mary's bag and went off to college. alhamdulillah, paper 1 was fairly easy.

next day, difficulty level increased by 1 point, 2rd day, difficulty level increased by 2 points. what a life. i biasalah, balik rumah, nangis sorang2 dalam bilik. lepas tu call P nangis2. zzz. our MCQ paper was ridiculously tough. even our doctors agreed that those questions are not our level. the answers are not even there in the standard text books for undergraduates. you gotta study journals and google to pass the MCQ. dude, we seriously have no time for journals and internet information. text book pun separuh aku tak habis bace kot. agak2 la wei.

and then comes the practical part. it was a total joke especially our OSCE. we were told different instruction and turned out, it was carried out differently. we were told that we were going to have 2 rest stations which means we get extra time to fill in whatever questions that we left from other stations, i remember that clearly, but unfortunately, 20 stations over and there were no 2 rest stations as promised. what the hell la kan. berlambak2 soalan yg i tinggal dulu, and i even left 1 whole question because there was nothing on the station (usually they'll put drugs/instruments/x-ray and ask questions regarding the subject) but there was question on the question paper (i seriously thought it was rest station hais)

so when we finished OSCE, i felt bad about the whole OSCE thing. borak2 discuss dgn my friends, and suddenly a friend ask 'eh soalan yg tnya pasal psychiatry drugs tu kau jawab ape?' and i was like 'what? which question? ade ke?' rupenye that's the question that i left. and the moment i got to know that i left 1 whole question in that station, i cried like crazy. time tu dah tak kesah siapa tengok i. eyeliner smudge ape semua. persetankan. yang i tau, i depress gile. i nangis till pening2. lame gak la i nangis and then my housemate pujuk i pegi lunch.

during lunch pun i didnt even finish my meal, and i cried all of sudden. went back home, i called dad and tell him what happened, still crying, talked to mom and she got annoyed already with me and my endless crying, she said something like this ''kakak, if your friends pass this exam and you don't, then u are the one to blame, not the uni'' hahahaha that, is like pouring fuel to fire lah kan. i cried even harder, i told mom ''u don't understand, i don't wanna talk to u'' hahahahaha emo much kannnnn. my mom replied ''okay jgn ckp dgn mak, mak pun mmg marah dengar kakak asik nangis je'' LOLLL. askar sgt tau mak aku ni.

that didn't make anything better. i cried even harder, feeling even more depress that i can't recall being in that state of depression ever before. for a second, i even had a suicidal thought. hahahahaha. i dunno how to say it right, this exam is so important yet so many things gone wrong and it was so out of hand and yeah, at that point, i didn't think i can make it. i depress gila babi. from that time onwards, i shut myself alone in my room, didn't go out at all, didn't even have my dinner till the next day. depress gila wehhhh. dahla tak jawab 1 big question, soalan lain plak byk tinggal sebab we were promised to have 2 rest stations. eee time tu memang rasa marah gila gila gila babi.

but life goes on. no matter how much i look like i give up on this, i didn't. si mata bengkak ni still stayed up all night to study for my final practical exam, the long case and short cases. i'm actually quite impressed with my determination. with me being dragged down to the lowest thinking that i already failed my OSCE due to stupid instruction given by...hm.., i carried on being a nerd and still trying and hoping i can score my very best on my long/short cases.

alhamdulillah, it paid-off. before my last battle, i prayed to Allah to ease my way and give me a case that i can handle well, alhamdulillah sangat, i got an obstetric case, anemia in pregnancy with decreased fetal movement as my long case. honestly, i didn't study much of obstetric for practical as i was aiming for surgery or medicine case, but alhamdulillah, i managed to handle the case well. well enough to pass my long case. my prayer was answered right on the dot. praise to Allah. i really was lucky to get a fairly easy case to present to my obgyn consultants. the short cases was fine :)

exam was over, but truth to be told, i wasn't really that confident with myself. such a torturing moment having to wait for the results, not knowing whether you pass or fail. i really wish i could just fast forward that moment. it was driving me insane.

the night before the official result was released, i was told by a friend that he already know the unofficial result, and he told me that i passed! whatttt!

i told my housemates and we were hugging each other and screaming like mad and then hug each other again and everyone was like ''btul ke btul ke??'' and i was like ''yesss betul, we passed!!" and then continue screaming again, such a joyous moment. though the result wasn't official i didn't know why i was so confident to tell my housemates and to even called my parents at late hours to inform them about me passing medical school! hahahaha.

tak dramatic sangat la bagitau the parents about my result tgh2 malam buta. masing2 tgh mamai and all dad could say was 'yeke? alhamdulillah, tahniah' hahaha and that's it. he continued sleeping and i doubt he remember the conversation i had with him that time. perhaps it felt just like they're dreaming je kot time tu. hahahah

so yeah, here i am now, officially done with my miserable life as medical student. omg. i really can't believe i made it through. such a long journey, worth a thousand tears and hardwork and pain and all the ups and downs. such a crazy mind-blowing journey. that's a total of 7 years worth of journey of becoming a doctor.

from the moment i got an offer letter from MARA right till i pass my final MBBS professional exam, that is freaking 7 years. i made it through. i'm a doctor now. alhamdulillah Ya Allah, you're the best planner of all.

that's how messy my room can get when i'm in the middle of exam week

India, I'm gonna leave you soon :D

I am definitely happy about leaving India, hellooo, 5 years abroad (and especially in India) is definitely not easy. not easy at all! but can't deny that small part of me is telling me that 'babe, u're so gonna miss india'.

i intend to write about my ups and downs in india, but they're like really a lot, i dunno where to start. it needs probably 10 chapters for me to finish writing about my experience in india. it's really something. i won't say it's the kind of experience that everyone wants to have, because living in india is definitely not the same like living in UK or US or whatever developed countries (u name it!) but the experience i have is really something to be remembered, to be cherished, forever.

I just finished my final exam by the way. the result is yet to be announced so yeah, i'm just hoping for the very best for me and my friends. i can't and i don't want to stay any longer here in india. and speaking about my final exam, that is the most depressing time of my life, ever, and for a second, i even had a suicidal thought because it was too depressing i felt like jumping off the building. hahaha. i am so gonna write about it okay! 

here, i learnt a lot about life. basically about living in hardship (yesssssssssssssss!!! india taught me well), patience, love (hahahah bollywood sangat tau i found my love in india :P), friendship (this probably require 1 big chapter hahahah), people (gosh you don't wanna know what i learnt haha) and a lotttt more. and it tested me well enough that i was far far far away from the people i love, my support system. sometimes it feels like i live on my own two feet, in a faraway land. it's not easy, trust me.

and india is unique in its own way. not the way you want it to be, obviously. it tested my patience beyond the level that i can handle. imagine having to face your final exam with frequent black-outs (yes, and there's nothing you can do about it other than, ermmm, bersabar), and not only that, u'll get some background ''music'' of tempe (tempe is local indian, i dunno about the origin of the word tempe, we happened to use it regularly) bergendang bersiul menari2 bagai nak rak when u're trying to focus on what u're reading to sit for ur exam, lol. and having to see a group of tempe mogok depan hospital sebab they didn't wanna pay the hospital bill just because the patient died, and the funny part is, diorang mogok sambil bergendang. ewah, kaya pulak kau nak hire orang bergendang2 utk mogok, tapi tak nak bayar hospital bill. wakakak.

and the fact that the indians love to strike and we get free holidays for that. hahaha. imagine lah, the pelakon died and the tempe pegi strike ramai2 so we didnt have to go to class woohoooo dalam hati i, ni kalau shah rukh khan yg mati, mau aku dapat cuti sebulan. lol.

and the indian traffic. omagash. it's crazy and i can't believe i actually mastered the art of driving a manual car in this awesome indian traffic. hahahahaha. i normally drive automatic car back in malaysia and the moment i decided to buy a car here in india i memang main redah je nak drive manual sebab i really memang tak terer drive manual but it turned out to be awesome wahahaha. and guess what, we survived 3 years of owning a car without having an insurance, ever. lollll. dahla takde insurance, siap boleh drive sampai ke tamil nadu. that is just crazy.

haih la terlampau banyak memories here in india. the good one, the bitter one, the depressing one hahahaha. i think i will just sit and reminisce my time in india. probably in my flight back home this 13th october hihiks i can't wait!!!!! i can't wait to leave this country for good but i know i will miss this country, u served me 'well', 'well' enough that u'll stay in my memory forever. ahahahaks.

and i'm looking forward for my convocation because guess what, my boyfriend will be joining the same convocation too! hikhik it was never in my dream, to grad with my own sweetheart, never was in my list and suddenly this comes along :D so really happy i should probably start searching for my baju convo ewahhhh.

being here, it's a blessing in disguise. even my mom said so. my mom cakap she's so grateful that i get to study in India instead of UK/US/Aussie, ayat mak i camni k "aunty happy dia ni pegi India, kalau pegi UK ke memane tu entah la jadi camne, confirm kalah semua mat salleh'' hahhahaa and by that, she was referring to my errr, i dunno, my way of dressing up and maybe my social life. and being here, duit kitorang banyakkkk. hahahaha unlike those studying in other developed countries, selalu dengar cerita mereka2 ni broke. well, ramai je students dkt sini broke but that's because they don't manage their money well, bukan sebab tak cukup duit scholar. what we got is moreeee than enough.

after leaving this county, i hope to leave behind alllll the bad stories, to forget those who don't regard me as friend (or better, to befriend and start over? (: ), to leave behind all the terasa sentap sensitive moment (hahahah i admit i manusia biasa no matter how hard i tried to remain cool sometimes i can't help to feel offended too), i want to forget those people i hate and the reason why i hate 'em because hating ppl, it makes me feel ugly from the inside.

i want to bring back all the good memories :) and insyaAllah, whenever i stop by and look back, i want to remember all of this with a smile on my face :)) to those who did me wrong, thank you for making me stronger than yesterday, there's always reason why we bumped into each other's life and make each other's life miserable hahahah kan?

i'm leaving in 5 days wooohoooo!! so India, thank you, thank you for all the hardship and pain u caused me, for all the lesson i learnt the hard way, for all the bittersweet memories, you'll be missed, definitely :) 

love.

I’m not saying that at some point love isn’t staying up until 2am phone calls or stealing kisses when you least expect it, or instantly falling for each other’s favorite songs because it is, or at least that’s what the lead up to it feels like, but real love, is so much more. It’s going out at 12am to get something to eat for your wife who can’t get out of bed, it’s listening to them as they explode with vulnerability on your living room couch talking about how they were only so young when their parents passed on. it’s remembering how someone likes their coffee in the morning without asking—without ever asking, it’s visiting someone in the hospital knowing the last thing you want to do is see them in that condition, it’s wanting to be with that person despite despite everything, the future, the past, and everything in between, it’s the intimate things that you don’t even realize involve such intimacy, but they do, in secret, like the pinky promises you two made behind your back, to love one another for always, in the time you thought you were in love, when you were actually just on your way to it.

mak paling garang

hi girls!

soooo, i was studying (yes i did :P) hematology, reading something about petechiae and all, and then i end up belek-ing my own pin-point sized petechiae on my upper limbs. ohh wait, i know i'm using jargon now hahaha so let me tell ya what petechiae is.

petechiae is red dots underneath the skin, it could be a symptom for an underlying disease. macam if u gune pen merah pastu conteng dots on ur skin, yeah, something like that, except that u know it doesn't come from the pen ink!

sooo, the petechiae on my skin has been there for forever. i really can't tell when it started to appear, i've worried once or twice bout it but i never really look up about it since it's not painful, nor it is clearly visible, so yeah, i neglected it. it's better to worry about my acne than my pin-point petechiae kan kan. pin-point je pon helloooo. apa ada hal.

but i was in the mood of studying and so i looked up about petechiae in my books and i googled bout it. i googled 'pin-point petechiae on my upper limb'. no kidding man, i'm not the only one. and reading the responses and whatnot on the net freaks me out. freaks the hell out of me. i ni dahla memang hypochondriac, i have this syndrome when i read bout diseases and then i recall i have some of the symptoms, mule la menggelabah thinking that i have that disease!

so, i read and read and read and i freak out more and more. and then i remember the fact that i bruise easily. yes seriously even my boyfriend agreed, i selalu la tetibe ade lebam tktau pasal ape. lagila i menggelupur cuak. so i just texted my mom ni ha, asking her if we have family history of any blood disorder other than thalassemia (oh yes, my siblings are all thalassemia trait positive except me and sarah :/) and i had to wake my bf up in the middle of the night to tell him all about this. i can't wait until tomorrow morning sebab i tengah cuak niiiii. i baca the differential diagnosis - low platelet count (okay that doesn't sound so bad), autoimmune disease (what?), lupus (what the hell????) and leukemia (okkkk seriously go to hellllll i takutttt dah)

my sane mind and sedikit sebanyak ilmu medicine i (ewah) mcm convinced myself la takkan la leukemia kot, i'm healthy as for now, if i have that big of an illness i don't think i can still live healthily skarang. but anyway, i have to look up for the causes of why i have these small2 petechiae on my upper limb and why do i bruise easily. esok, i nak pergi attack Dr. Spurgeon i, since i memang follow dia ward round pagi2.

anyway, this kinda remind me of my mom la sebenarnya. everytime i have doubts thinking that i have major disease inside my body, the first person i will consult n tanya everything is my mom since she has medical background also.

tapi mak i ni dia bukan jenis macam mak2 orang lain. kalau anak ngadu demam, mak orang lain mesti macam "omg anak mak demam??? anak mak ok tak niiii????" mak lagi menggelabah dari anak yang demam. my mom? memang tak la ok. my mom kalau i cakap i demam panas berhari2 pun die lek je ckp 'ha mkn la ubat, rehat cukup2, nnt baik la tu' hahahaha. rasa kurang kasih sayang pun ada tau.

when i was in KMS, on this one fine day, i suddenly felt lump in my breast. dalam kepala otak i, could it be...that i have breast cancer???? i called up my mom, cerita macam drama habis, i told her i want to go back right away and have it checked right away sebab i takut sangat2 dah ni. u know what my mom said?

"kakak tkyah balik, tkde ape tu"

dia boleh cakap tkde ape?????? i macam okkkk, bengang tau. i rase macam, mak i ni tak sayang i tau. anak dia suspect breast cancer dia bole buat taktau. i sedih mak i tak kasi balik, tak suro i pegi check pun. kalau i betul ade cancer camne, nanti dh end stage camne, nanti too late for treatment camne, nanti i mati camne? mak i tak fikir ke semua tu? sedih gila ok.

tapi i degil, i went back jugak. i went to the clinic with my dad sebab my mom malas nak layan. she repeatedly cakap "tkde pape tu, mak tau la tkde pape, mak kan doctor". i cam stress, takkan tkde pape kot. mak aku ni tak sayang aku, confirm.

went to see the doctor, she confirmed it. memang takde pape pun wahahahahahaha. breast cancer wak lu i was only 18 or 19 time tu (though it's not impossible for an 18-yr-old girl to hv one, it's actually very unlikely) and yeah, it's really nothing. she said i can either have it removed by surgery or let it be. i dengar surgery time tu, sumpah i nangis depan doctor tu. drama queen since forever :/

so i went back home, my mom dah sengih2 cakap "kan mak dah ckp tkde pape, tkde breast cancer nye, takmo dengar cakap mak, orang kate tkyah balik dulu sebab nanti2 boleh check, kakak degil, nak jgk balik, ha ikut kau la'' pastu gelak gelak gelak. lol

wakakakakakkaa. yelahhhh, anak mak ni time tu mane blaja medic lagi, mane la nk tau breast cancer ke apa. dia leh slambe je takmo layan anak tgh menggelupur thinking that she has breast cancer.

tu lah i cakap. my mom ni one of a kind, i rase dia tak sepatutnye jadi surirumah or doctor, dia patut masuk army ke apa, coz the way she brought us up, pedepergghhhhh, hidup i ni macam kene pantau ngan askar. sumpah. dahla garang gila. garang gila gila gila gila i know nobody will believe me sebab muka mak i muka ibu paling lembut skali. tapi pleaselah, she's the garang-est mom i ever know.

but because of her way of bringing us up ni lah, i think kitorang ni tkde la end up jadi anak manja yg gedik sangat tu. setakat boleh gedik dengan my dad jek. nak gedik dengan my mom? dalam mimpi je lah ok.

tapi when i sakit yang bebetul sakit, she really take care of me lah. one of my fav moment masa i had appendicectomy. i was warded for about a week (i think so, dah lama), she took care of me at the hospital, bawak i pegi toilet semua, layan i muntah2 semua hihiks. time tu i can gedik lol. okay dah rindu my mom dah. hiks. terus hilang semua risau petechiae :P

so that's all i guess. i nak bersahur ni! hihiks. daaa.

something to ponder :)

assalamualaikum and hello girls!!

so i just feel like sharing something. something i THINK, would make you stop and wonder how lucky we are to be born normal and cukup sifat :D

i have a baby brother, my one and only brother, whom i really really really love dunia akhirat insyaallah (since he's the only one brother i have) but that doesn't make me love my sisters any less la just because i have a total of 4 sisters hahaha :P nah, i love 'em all equally hihiks.

okay back to the thing that i wanna share. my baby brother, he's not like all of us. he's a special kid. special kid as in, dia ada kekurangan sikit tak macam normal people. and don't get me wrong, i don't share this to downgrade him or whatsoever (and don't you dare downgrading him too, u're messing with me if you do) so yeah, he has this inferiority complex and all because of his kekurangan.

one day i was in the car with my dad, and he asked me a simple question. he answered it himself as i couldn't come out with the kind of answer that he wants. he asked me;

"cube bagitau abah ape kelebihan orang2 macam Amir(my baby brother)?"

i macam "aaaaaaa *thinking* ade kelebihan, sat naa pikir sat, aaaaa..."

ek eleh lame sangat pikir nak jawab soklan kacang camtu kan, so he answered his own question.

"orang macam Amir tu, sebab dia tau dia ada kekurangan dia, dia tak kacau orang, dia tak reti dengki, dia tak reti sombong, tak reti perlekeh orang, tak reti tipu orang macam kite manusia normal ni biase buat, so dekat situ, banyak dosa dah dia dapat elak, tu kelebihan orang2 macam Amir"

Ya Allah, i tak terfikir langsung, boleh tak?

i rase what my dad just said was soooo deep and meaningful, don't you think?

it's so true. because we all are perfect, we tend to be arrogant thinking that we are greater than other people, and then we look down on others, downgrade other people, go extra miles doing things we shouldn't do out of hatred or jealousy. tapi orang2 macam Amir, diorang akan ke buat macam tu? very unlikely.

he won't do such things. he won't even attempt to do such things because he doesn't have that feeling of arrogance or feeling like he's better than other people. tak pernah i terfikir kelebihan yang Allah bagi dekat dia tu. kite manusia yang sempurna ni banyak kumpul dosa dekat situ, tapi my baby brother, insyaAllah, dia banyak dapat mengelak kumpul dosa-dosa kering macam tu. blessing in disguise i would say.

isn't it wonderful? Allah bagi kekurangan dekat seseorang, tapi without most people realizing it, orang tu tetap ada kelebihan dia tersendiri.

to me, it's really something to ponder upon :)

selamat berpuasa and selamat beramal!

afraid that i'm not afraid

if you're expecting me to post up an entry to wish all of you Selamat Menyambut Ramadhan Al-Mubarak, sorry i have to turn you down. that is a little bit too cliche, bila puasa semua orang pun nak post entry macam tu, me? malas lah. i mesti lah nak lain dari lain.

lol. tak boleh nak cliche la kan kononnye. lempang sikit. hihiks. yelah yelah, i nak ucapkan Selamat Menyambut Bulan Puasa la ni kat all of you. ikhlas dari hati i, let's utilize this month of blessing to get closer to our Creator. hiks. actually rather than reminding all of you, sebenarnya i'm reminding myself jugak, i'm far left behind, have a lot to catch up. so, disebabkan i know i'm far left behind hiks, i segan la nk igt2kan orang sangat, baik lah i ingatkan diri sendiri ye dak.

so anyway, i'm actually worried!!!! my final professional MBBS examination is just in 2 months time and i've yet to start reading, like, really start reading. hua nangis sekarang! dah penat nangis smpai pening, lepas tu boleh tido. maka, boleh hilangkan kerisauan. maka, memang aku takkan start belajar.

time SPM dulu, sumpah wei, bulan 7 aku dah start menggelupur. time tu tak reti takut hantu, stay up la smpai tgh malam, bangun la pagi buta study sengsorang dekat study room. menggelupur sebab janji dengan Nadia Ismail si kawan baik seblah meja "kalau kita tak dapat 10A1, kita kena terjun bangunan, janji" pui. keluar result, memasing senyap lupa janji. takpe takpe, sebab time aku SPM, kitorang first batch yg kena exam EST, time tu EST punye format macam puipui (nak type mende lain, tapi sebab bulan puasa, nak type pppp..jadi puipui je lah) jadi tak dpt 10A1 dimaafkan jek lah ok.

itu SPM. time tu nak SPM adalah perkara hidup dan mati. kau makan SPM, minum SPM, tido SPM, main SPM, dating SPM, kutuk warden pun SPM (eh?) i don't know about others la kan, but when i was in form 5, i tak nerd (jauh sekaliiii pls stop imagining an image of me being a nerdy girl, tak pernah seumur hidup, pui) tapiiii, disebabkan semua orang pun pandai rajin n kalau tak rajin pun still diorang mcm pandai nk mati, contohnye lagi sorang si kawan baik Nur Farhanah, keje bangun tido, pegi kelas, cikgu masuk, sambung tido, kelas habis, balik dorm, sambung tido, bila keluar result, pui, ini bukan result budak kuat tido. memang sakit hati ok.

so yes, i was rajin. memang bukan tahap rajin gila tapi rajin la dari sekarang. padahal kalau nak compare buku aku kena bace time SPM dengan buku yang aku kena bace utk my professional exam, ade la dalam 10 kali ganda? NO KIDDING. tapi sekarang dah tinggal 2 bulan, aku start pun belum. how now brown cow?

thing is, this is me. no competition, means no working for it maa. dulu when i was in boarding school, duduk dorm, satu dorm 16 orang. kalau kau tengok separuh dorm study tapi kau tgh melepak, tak sesak nafas time tu jugak ke? in the end, u'll end up studying so that u won't be left behind.

sekarang, duduk bilik sorang. wah, mementang ada duit lebih, demand duduk bilik sorang. duduk dalam dunia sendiri. hari2 youtube, movies2k, malaymoviesfull. lepas tu skype, whatsapp, calling2 pulak lagi. banyak masa i. dah habis bersosial, pap, tido. orang lain study ke tak ke, aku ape tau.

bukan tak risau, risau okay. but then i need to stop my ass from worrying and really start studying omagashh!!!! kalau dulu SPM tu perkara hidup dan mati, ni aku nk jadi doctor, bukankah tu perkara hidup dan mati aku dan jugak my future patients?

so zahirah tarmizi, this is monologue dalaman la sebenarnya, my very own worrying about my very own self. ya rabbi, tolong lah, esok kau settle pasal saree habis2 (eh, sempat), balik rumah please lah, please lah, please lah, study.

maybe i need to remind myself about what my mum has been telling me all this while.

"study lah sementara masih muda, sementara otak masih active, sementara masih ade tenaga"

ha, motivated tak? saye motivated sudah!! tapi sekarang sudah 2.30 in the morning hiks. esok kite study stade ok! good nite peeps.

Abg Kaka'

hello girlies!

so recently, P went to help a medical officer doctor organizing a motivational camp for the exam-going students (PMR and SPM candidates) surprise surprise!! :P i was surprised too when he told me this, but then again, it's a good exposure for him as well. daripada dulu student nakal2, sekarang tolong buat motivation camp you!! :P bole la jugak die bagi talk kan "abang dulu nakal jugak macam kamu semua, tapi tengok abg skarang, dah nak jadi doctor dah" wahahahha. okay that didn't happen. that was just my imagination okayy!! lol. he went there not to give out talk, he was just there to help out, as abg faci.

so anyway, remember time sekolah2 dulu whenever ade motivational camp and some abg2 and kakak2 faci from outside datang to give talk, girls will go drooling over abg faci yang handsome, remember? honestly, i don't. i don't remember having any crush on any abg faci coz honestly, most of my motivational camp semua includes kakak2 faci jek, yang tudung2 labuh tu, kenape takde abg faci hot datang bagi motivasi dekat sekolah i???? patutlah i tak motivated. hahahaha.

so anyways, i kinda expected this already. mmg la si boyfriend i ni jadi hot stuff dekat sekolah yang die pegi buat motivasi tu. dia cerita kat i mcm ni.

"mase the MO tanye the students 'okay, kamu nk kenal dengan kakak atau abg faci yang mane satu??' lepas tu bebudak ni ramai2 cakap 'abg kaka'!!!' "

ok, sape lagi abg kaka' kat situ? P lahhh!! amboih, hot stuff you yangggg. tapi dia ni mcm betul je orang panggil dia 'abg kaka', tah2 syok sendiri jek.

and then he got back from the motivational camp, guess what? the kids added him on facebook and when he approved the friend request, they were like "abg kaka yang hensem, tq approve", "yeay abg kaka dah approve, saye dari kumpulan atok comel'' erm okay, okay, i believe him now.

hahahahah dari dulu orang dok cakap his face resemble this football player, Kaka, but i refused to agree, tapi lepas dah bebudak ni semua panggil dia abg kaka, i pun bermuhasabah la kejap tengok gmbar dia lepas tu tengok gmbar kaka, tengok gmbar dia, tengok gmbar kaka, ok fineeee! ade la rupe sikittt!! sikit je pun!! hahahahaha

the real Kaka

Kaka' celup with his awesome girlfriend hihiks

not just Kaka, ade orang kate he resemble our national astronaut Dr Sheikh Muszaffar la, Mr Bean la, and Russell Brand!!! ni lagi satu, orang asik dok cakap he looks like Russell Brand. ei abis i muke macam sape? asal boyfriend i je yang resemble all the celebrities ni? nyampah tauuu! ahahah

Kaka in action

my Abg Kaka in action

Tapi, the real Kaka takde buat muke retard like this kan?

Yeah, that's him omg. so la menghampakan okay kalau camwhore dengan dia ni, asik la nak buat muka retard dia sampai i nak sweet2 pun tak jadi. harapan je lah nak sweet2 dgn dia nih ahahaha. i didn't expect for him to give that pose in the 2nd pic, that's why la if u see my hidung dah kembang kempis nak tergelak tengok dia buat pose 'omg ade taik hidung' -___-" sabar je lahhh!

so anyway, i think he did a great job as abg faci aka abg kaka yang hot dekat sekolah tu hihi. proud of you okay! nooo, i'm not jealous, hahahah nasib la i'm one awesome girlfriend yang tak jealous the bf ramai peminat. abg kaka pun abg kaka lah. janji abg kaka syg i :P

till then, daaa.

you know you've grown up so much when. . .

...when the person you used to really hate, you don't hate anymore.

and it happened to me recently. a person i used to really hate like really really really hate yang tak boleh nak cakap tak boleh tengok pun if cakap or tengok i rasa nak lempang, talked to me and i was surprisingly, totally fine with it.

totally fine yang siap boleh senyum, gelak, buat lawak, tanya khabar and everything. i did 'em all unconsciously. after the short meeting was over baru i macam "eh, i used to really hate this person, but i talked to her like we're good friends just now'' hahaha.

alhamdulillah, i told myself. this is a good thing. thank you for taking away all the negative feeling and hatred, dear Allah. thank you for giving me room to grow wiser and stronger :)

:)

every saint has a past, every sinner has a future

hello girlies! i tengah study ni and i suddenly have the urge to write (alwayssss la like dis) kuang kuang kuang and disebabkan my attention span to study mmg sependek bulu hidung i (which is sgt pendek) so i'll just write this out and get back to my books later dgn lebih focus! huyyo books (note the plural, percayakah anda?)

anywayssss,

every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. came across this quote somewhere recently and i find it very, very, very deep.

i kan, daripada sekolah menengah harian dkt Shah Alam, went to boarding school in KL, went to college mara seremban in Seremban durrhhh, and now currently studying in India, i have friends from all walks of life.

i ade kawan yg baik, normal, retard, kaya, sederhana, miskin, pelik, pencinta muzik, pencinta sukan, pencinta wanita, pencinta laki2 handsome, mempunyai seksualiti songsang, kuat agama (i pnah roommate dgn usrahwati - wakakakkaka for a moment i lupe the word. . .*still thinking, come on come onnnnn, what's the word??? haa NAQIBAH!!! usrahwati kejadah plak!*), so-so dlm agama, hanyut dari agama, i ade kawan peminum, yg jual dadah sebab nk cari duit pegi dating, yang kerja menghabiskan duit mak bapak, school drop-outs and macam2 lah. the list goes on and on.

sebenarnya i never really pilih kawan. janji satu kepala, tak kesah la kau ustazah ke kau bohsia ke, janji kau bole jadi kawan yang baik, i can be a good friend jugak.

dalam byk2 kawan i yang category baik and category kurang baik ni, banyak changes dah berlaku. manusia kan berubah.

kebanyakan changes that i've seen adalah changes ke arah kebaikan. kawan2 i yg daripada jenis party animal now dah reti duduk diam sikit, yang dulu stakat sarung sleeveless and shorts now dah cantik bertudung, yang dulu tak pnah ingat nak solat now dh start jugak sikit2. it's a wonderful thing to see.

i don't wanna petik pasal changes ke arah keburukan. itu pun ade jugak, but let's just focus about the good changes :)

siapa kata sekali orang tu pnah jahat, dia selamanya jahat? i think it's a part of growing up. jadi budak jahat, try itu, try ini, but when you knal that person closely, sebenarnya hati dia baik je. really, i honestly rase sejahat2 orang, mesti ade part of him yang masih baik, yang masih teachable to be a better person.

never judge a person melampau2. never really cakap ''budak ni xreti solat, mmg tkde masa depan'', ''budak ni hari2 minum air setan, dah tkleh betulkan dah'', ''budak ni makan duit haram, jgn kawan dengan die''

correct me if i'm wrong but, bukan ke kite sepatutnye help or guide or monitor from afar or the least pun, mendoakan orang tu, rather than outcast him and menghina mencaci mengeji diorang as if diorang memang takkan dapat second chance to live a good life?

sebab kite taktau what the future holds. tah2 bulan depan, orang yang kau pandang seblah mata sebab dia ni konon jahat sangat, tetibe jadi lagi baik dari kau? u never know. people can change 360 degrees if that's what already written.

so, moral of the story is and reminder to myself jugak, jangan perlekehkan orang lain :)

every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. means orang yang sekarang baik mungkin dah lalui zaman gelap diorang, and orang yang kurang baik mungkin akan jadi lebih baik esok lusa. everybody has their chance, insyaAllah.

wealth

some people are so poor, all they have is money.

i'd rather live a life full with love and affection.

that's my definition of wealth.

the businesswoman in me :P

hello girls!! so it's saturday, have you been productive on saturday? me, definitely YES!!! :p i went out for saree hunting to send the next batch of sarees for sale :)

i went out alone, bought 20 sarees altogether, carried 'em all on my own, ahhh right that moment i sangat la memerlukan my lover boy, if he's around takde la i sakit pinggang sakit bahu sakit tangan mengangkut all the 20 sarees ahahaha dahla i stayed up till 7pm coz i forced the shopkeeper to call up his tailor and fix the saree that i bought coz some beads fell off from the saree! i insisted to fix it right away because my friend really want that saree and i can't possibly sell a saree with defect :/ my customer's satisfaction is very important meh!

i've yet to open my sarees for booking but i did show some of 'em to some friends and cousins and alhamdulillah, hanya lepas beberapa jam i shopped, 5 sarees are already booked :)) thank you thank you thank you! 15 sarees are still available, and if you're looking forward to see the sarees before i officially upload it on my facebook for booking, do PM me on facebook okay! :) i have silk, chiffon, crepe and georgette sarees available in stock! here's the sneak preview! :P

my personal fav would be the third one in grey! i think the color itself is so elegant and rare :) it's still available with good price! so what are you waiting for? PM i cepat okay! wakakakakkaa. i know i sangat annoying when promoting my items trololololol! tapi that's me dealing with my business, harus la annoying promote bagai nak rak, baru la boleh hidup dalam dunia perniagaan. ewah wah wah!

i'm actually doing this with my boyfriend, kire i macam pemborong, dia plak pengedar wahahahha roughly, that's how it works, i go buy all the sarees, pick the best sarees in town, post it to him, he'll deal with all the payment and postage. pemodal? mestila bukan i ekekekeke. pemodal adalah sugardaddy i uollzzz! sugardaddy aka pengedar saree kesayangan i!

memula dia bukan main segan nk promote sarees, nak hide dari budak bangalore la ape lah, i said "tak payah la hide ke apeee, buat je public, reshare ur album byk kali, buat ayat promote kaw2, u kene la muke tebal sket if nk jual saree" wakakakakakaka. annoying to the maxxxx!!! laki jual saree, mesti la segan jugak kan, i ape kesah, i mmg muke tebal pun lalalala~~

when i think of it, sebnanye i dah berkecimpung (ewah berkecimpung) dalam bidang perniagaan (hahahah tetibe rasa ayat ni poyo, macam aku berniaga besar-besaran plak!!!) since sekolah rendah!!! i've been selling lots of things and i pun taktau la kenape dari i sekolah2 rendah lagi i dah ade initiative untuk earn my own money. my parents never taught me that tau, i sendiri je pandai2 jual itu la ini la and when i get the profit (though sen2 je), i happy gile kot!!

i started menjual2 masa i darjah 2. ini memang macam bangang sket la, ampunkan la budak darjah 2 ni ek pls. time tu, i bole la dikatakan creative, tulisan cantik and pandai mewarna. tau i jual ape? i amek pesan budak2 kelas suruh i tuliskan name diorang cantik2 and kaler cantik2 and gunting so that they can tampal their name somewhere. gunting pastu tampal la sendiri pakai gam diorang, bukannye sticker or anything. itu pun business bole jalan okay. wakakakakakakak. i am probably the one and only person yg pnah buat business sebangang tu trolololololol!!!! the best part is, bebudak kelas ramai jek pesan and pay me for my artwork!! hahahahahahahahaha thanks la korang2, kecik2 dh bagi semangat and motivasi utk i terus menceburi bidang perniagaan wakakakakakaka.

next, darjah 3 plak. time ni i jual stickers! hihiks. time tu hobi i bole la dikatekan mengumpul stickers. i had few sticker books and i sell stickers. depends la, yg kecik ade 30 sen, besar 50 sen, yang timbul2 or kilat2 tu singgit. hah, kaye jgk tau jual stickers.

at the same time, i jual gambar artis. bukan artis melayu, artis mat salleh uollzzzz. ni kak long i yg introduce. memang gmbar yg dicuci betul dari kedai gmbar tu yg i jual. as far as i remember, satu gambar ade la dalam singgit kot. i byk jual gambar backstreetboys, spice girls, boyzone, 911, haaa, sek2 tu lah. laku wei lakuuuuu!

lepas tu if you guys remember, dulu time kecik2 semua bebudak nak ade card name tu. yg ade tulis name, address, contact number, lepas tu dekat atas ade ucapan, and bole la pilih nak gmbar ape dkt card tu. actually tu mcm deal with a company jugak, kire i cam dealer la something like that, i kumpul dalam 10 orang yg nak, semua byr kat i, and i get a few sets of free name card. rasenyelah that's how it works. pon laku weiiiii.

ape lagi ape lagiii? i penah jual batu seremban kot!!!! bukan stakat jual, i buat batu seremban tu jahit sendiri!!! hah, gigih tak gigih!! if im not mistaken, i siap bole jahit batu seremban yg 3 segi tu kot. wakakakaakkaka when i think about it again, agak kagum la dgn diri sendiri. nak cari duit punye pasal, jahit batu seremban sendiri, jual! beres! pon laku!

ni semua i jual masa sekolah rendah. masuk secondary school plak i dah stop la jual bende2 mengarut ni wahahahaha. tapi bile i broke, i jual baju2 yg i dh taknak. just so you know, i sekolah dekat smks9 shah alam, mostly budak skolah ni memang kaya2, bile i broke, i suruh adik i promote baju2 i yg i dh taknak, i remember selling elle sweater, esprit jeans and few others to kawan2 adik i yg kaye raye ni dengan harga yg still mahal muahahahaha. omg jahatnye i!!! dah diorg mmg kaye, they didn't even question me why harga macam tu! so, jual je lah. hahahahahaha. ampunkan i pls!

hah, lagi satu masa secondary school, i think masa form 1 form 2 kot, i used to sell burn cds. people will give me a list of songs that they want, i'll burn the cd for them. satu cd tu i jual dalam rm10 kot. hihi. not bad jugak! :P

i think that's all kot. hihi. u guys ade buat and jual bende2 ngarut cmni tak time kecik2? i pun tktau ape motif i menjual2 sangat time sekolah rendah tu. nak kata tkde duit, dpt je duit belanja, makanan kat kantin bukan mahal pun, pastu bukannye i bershopping ke ape time tu. hahaha serious tak paham ok. tu mcm unconscious mind. tak sedar pun sebenarnye tgh make money. lolol.

mase sekolah menengah tu yes, i memang menjual2 sebab i needed money. time ni i dh pandai bershopping2 sendiri, keluar jalan and all and i only get rm10 per week. how to survive mannn! (but i survived) so yeah, apart from puasa cam nak gile, i will jual my 2ndhand stuffs and jual burn cds to get money. my parents, they don't pamper us with money. diorang ckp, we'll give you what you need, the rest of the things that u want, which includes barang2 branded semua, kalau nak, beli sendiri. so yeah.

but it was fun, doing all that, it makes me smile ear to ear now :) ahahahahaha. now i know, the businesswoman in me has always been there inside me, since i was a little girl! keep it going!!! :P

so, i end this post with this.

ahlan wa sahlan! (eh?)

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

anyone of you still keep a diary? i mean, diary that is really written by hand, the one that you pour your heart out, the one with little pad lock so even your mom can't have access to your inner thoughts? damn, i don't write such diary anymore. the last time i kept a diary was when i was in kms and damn, i lost it -____-" nasib la siapa yang jumpe and get to read all my ugly thoughts :/

i can't possibly treat my blog as a personal diary. it feels so wrong to share my overflowing thoughts with the public though sometimes i am soooo tempted to write it out. it's not about having people reading it that matters, it's about the satisfaction you get after you write it out. it's like, you got the burden off your chest, it's like a relief, though not totally.

i actually wish to still keep a real diary, but with my current status as medical student, a handwritten diary is probably not the best way for me to share my thoughts. you know, when you keep a diary, you want it to be neat and tidy, with beautiful handwriting and probably a scented diary with some stickers or something like dat (omg i sure have little kid stucked in me still!!) tapi handwriting i skrg amat la hodoh mcm doctor2 gittewwww, nak tulis panjang2 plak, mmg tak la aku nak tulis cantik2, so long dear diary, i can't afford having you updated every now and then, my days with you dear diary, is long gone!

i used to keep diaries, a lot!! i used to share diary with my childhood besties!! hahahaha i used to have one with hana maisurah and dalila! both are my best friend when i was in primary school. i was close to hana when i was in standard 6 i think, and i was close to dalila when i was in standard 4. oh maiii rindunye!!! how my friendship started between me and hana was a really funny one, we started off as enemies!! hahahah it's a long story, i sure spare a post especially dedicated to my friendship with her haha :P

me with hana maisurah

me with dalila rahim

dalila is married btw! :P can't make it to her wedding coz i'm stucked here in india, sedih tau! btw back to diary business! i had our own little diary with dalila when we were in standard 4. we had secret codes!!! means to say, we don't write it out in the normal alphabets ABC tu semua, we had secret code for A, secret code for B, C and so on. so yeah, we wrote using the secret codes!! and for a moment or so, i was actually really fluent writing things out using our secret codes! tak payah nak refer2 which is A, which is B hahahaha. we mostly talk about boys!!! gelenya deh!!! we used to write about the boys we like in school, why we like them and events where our crush actually talked to us! hahahaha so gedik ok as budak sekolah! i used to list down my criteria of dream boy wakakakakakakak. DARJAH 4 WOI, pandai plak aku nk tulis2 pasal dream boy bagai.

we took turns writing out in our diary. i really can't remember writing about anything else other than boys :/ hahahahah and i taktau la mane pegi diary tu sekarang. is it still at my home or is it with her or adakah telah dihapuskan, i have no idea. dalila is my closest ever friend when i was in standard 4 hihi. lots of crazy experience with her as little girl :) i'll write about it when i have the time.

as for hana, i got close to her soon after she left for perak. she kept coming back to shah alam and slept over at my house and it turns out, her mom was my mom's junior in STF (Sekolah Tun Fatimah), what a small world!!! anyway, yeah, we used to write in the same diary. hahaha ala i tk ingat pulak the things we wrote. but this is one thing that makes us smile panjang when hanging out with each other now, the fact that we shared diary and wrote about silly things. hihi. some memories are the best that they can never be replaced :)

anyway, apart from sharing diaries with these 2 friends of mine, i had lots of other diaries on my own. when i was in lower form i used to have a diary jugak and ampunkan la i sebab diary i semua asik tulis pasal the guys i like in school jek, kenapa la kecik2 dah gatal ek? hahahaha and guess what happened the diary!! one day i was searching for my diary and i could not find it, lepas tuuuuuu, i saw my diary in my mom's room!!!! OMG OMG OMGOMGOMGOGMOGMG so dead ok my mom baca pasal my rantings pasal lelaki!!! tak ke bole pengsan mak aku time baca anak dia tulis pasal laki tu laki ni. omagasshhh. lepas tu i diam je tak cakap pape, i never mention about diary to her and my mom pun sama. but i knew she read it. ergghh. biarlah. lupakan. lupakan. hahaha.

now, i rase i really need a diary. i dunno why but lately i'm having major difficulty to express what i feel to other people. it's like, really major! but i know if i decided to keep a diary now, it won't last long. plus if i have a diary now, it won't be about boys anymore, it's gonna be more about life, about growing up, about what i feel about people surrounding me, about how people treat me and what i feel about it, u know, things like that. no more about boys or lelaki idaman. wahahaha. i hope i already found one lah :P

hah. i lost words kejap. see, i'm not normally like this! is this some kind of degenerative disorder?? coz i really have major difficulty in expressing my feelings now, it's like everything is haywire. i badly need to pour this out into a diary, as for the time being, P is like my partially my diary, whenever i rase down, i'll write to him. but i dunno how long this will last. hihi

so what do u think, should i get myself a diary? :)

cranky little me

it's 10 minutes past 1 in the morning and i've been tossing and turning in my bed for more than 1 hour already, still i couldn't sleep. this sucks.

been thinking about a lot of things. gosh, bed time is the best time to reflect and think, and before you know it, you lost hours of ur beauty sleep already :/ hahaha and somehow, the one thing that was on my mind right before i decided to turn on my laptop and blog at this moment was, me being a fairly hot-tempered person. lol. i know i know. this is so random.

i can get really cranky sometimes. omg. close friends of mine know how hot-tempered i can be when things go wrong and when people mess with me. it's horrible, yes. but one thing that i don't understand is, everytime i do try to be patient, people test my patience even more. is this some kind of game? :/

i believe i WAS once calm and patient, i was that person who can still smile and shut up when people treat me at its worst, i was the kind of person who will repeatedly tell myself that 'it's okay, he won't do it again'. i WAS that person. however, despite my good faith that things will turn out fine and good if i keep being patient, i always end up disappointed.

people really pijak kepala u know. u sabar sabar sabar, believe believe believe, but other ppl keep doing shitty things on you, it sucks okay. in the end, my belief that being patient is the best policy was tarnished. i started becoming a really hot-tempered person.

living in this corrupted country, i became even more hot-tempered. i have low tolerance to bullshit. i can be really rude sometimes that i let my anger gets the best of me. omg. it's horrible. really. imagine a petite (eh?) girl mengamuk beria tepi jalan, how do you find it? horrible sight? hahah probably it is.

the last time i got really lost in rage was with a traffic police. i was on my way home from the hospital, tired and sleepy while driving and suddenly this traffic police blocked my way and asked me to pull over the car to the side. yeah, shit happened.

he wanted to fine me for not wearing seat belt. funny thing was, while fining me and lecturing me about not wearing seat belt while driving, lots of other drivers passed us by, WITHOUT WEARING SEAT BELT. tkde pulak dia nak tahan. hah, my blood was mendidih like crazy waiting to burst je lah. i argued and started yelling and everything, yes, to that traffic police. but he was persistent, he issued a fine statement and gave it to me. what i did? i tore it apart and left for my car. in front of him.

he was yelling at me but i didn't bother, i went to my car and continue marah2 ahaha. sebab i was so penat and sleepy and i actually waited for a friend sebab nak save naik kereta together sekali i kena saman sebab tak pakai seat belt tapi driver kereta lain bole plak berjimba2 tak pakai seat belt diorang tak tahan plak? memang i panas ah.

and he came over, issued another fine statement (gigih ok pakcik ni) and asked for my signature and money! haha babi betul. i took the fine statement, instead of signing on it, i made a big quick scribble on it and throw it on him. he yelled, i took out my money and gave it to him. i masuk kereta cepat2 and drove off quickly. yelah, dalam pada i mengamuk like that, i cuak jugak the police naik angin and bunuh i. wakakakaka.

see how hot-tempered i can be. that's just one of many events.

tapi i tak pernah la buat perangai mcm tu to my friends ahahaa. if i get mad with my friends, i will marah time tu but i will forget the next day. not the kind of person who keeps it for a very long time. to me, if i'm mad about something, i'll burst and get cranky about it, and once it is settled, i'm all good with that person again. sometimes, i'll be the one who says sorry for getting mad and tell the other person that i'm cool about it already.

BUTTTT, i really cannot tolerate people who dunno how to say sorry. omg it's annoying!!! if you think you owe me an apology, do it, apologize!! it doesn't make a person small by saying sorry! it makes the world a better place. i tak faham, some people are so egoistic they never wanna say sorry, it's killing me, and it's killing the friendship/relationship! if i can say sorry, why can't you? if i can admit my mistakes, why can't you? really. can't tolerate this.

eh, i get all cranky again thinking about people who refuse to say sorry. urgh. 1 or 2 times maybe i can just telan and forget bout it, eventually people get tired you know. not getting an apology that i should, i'll get bitter one day.

i honestly hope that when i try my best level to co-operate and be patient and try to deal with some minor bullshit, don't test my patience even more. i can try to be patient, but i need some support too. you can't expect me to be patient at the same time giving me more headaches and bullshit to deal with right?

so yeah. let's make the world a better place.

in my mind

12.40 AM, disco ball is currently spinning above my head (no i'm not in the club or something, i'm in my room :P) but i am not at all tripping over it. currently feeling a bit lonely hihiks.

hello boys, lonely girl is here :P gahahahaha.

as much as i wish to still have someone (in this case, a guy) to keep me company, i don't think i wanna risk screwing up what i already have just for temporary pleasure.

and yes, this is me being all grown-up, talking :)

<3 from thousands of miles away.

wall of art HAHA.

by my PePe Le PewPew! :P

bits and pieces of memories in India :)

just a little update about our sports day and food festival in India :)) not Indian food festival, the food was mostly Malaysian food weeehoooo good thing about living abroad is daripada zero tak reti masak at all, sek2 yang tak reti duduk dapur tu, confirm kau terer masak bile dah duduk jauh sebab you just can't stand eating local Indian food everyday it makes you wanna puke!!! imagine la hari2 makan masala dosa, pstu poori, pstu masala dosa again, errghh rasa berdosa dengan perut okay sebab asik sumbat dgn makanan india. so, nak tak nak, tetibe terterer masak plak. haaa, i'm talking bout myself la ni. caye tak caye tak?

okay the major event was sports day but why am i talking more about food that sports? typical ira who loves to eat which is worrying but i don't wanna add more wrinkles to my face worrying bout my eating habit just yet (okay la nanti i jage makan, promise!) so let's talk about my sports day pulak!

i love sports day coz it's the time when we can actually get together and forget the books and hatred (eh?) and just get together and support each other hihi. i sebenarnya adalah orang yang suka any kind of get-together event :) i hate just staying at home wondering what to do what to do, just not that kind of person. hahaha.

so anyway, i was rooting for futsal match coz few good friends were playing for our team hihiks so yeah, we made it to final match and got 2nd place :) good enough i guess considering the lack of practice ahahaha :P andddd, we bolot 1st place for basketball for guys and tarik tali for guys :D the girls mostly got 1st runner up :) okay la what, last time the girls mostly bolot the first place hihiks this year maybe no luck :))

oh btw, we came to support this girl!! introducing, ninot!! mase tengah dok main2 dalam padang pun bole sebok interact with supporters yg sakat2 dia! hahah such a baby, tapi main futsal! and the 2nd picture is picture of me and close friends here. except for ninot, the rest hanya datang to support and makan :P orang lain shed some lemak during sports day, we add some more lemak into our system hahahahaa. very bad!!!

walaupun i tak main pape, tapi i sunburn gak sebab i penyokong tegar walaupun i sorak sorang2 -____-" i suke cheer ramai2 well, that's the fun part of being cheerleader kan!! :D paling suke cheerleading in school, the best ever! suara dari ayu2 terus jadi garau. nak sokong punye pasal. hahahaha.

and the best part about sports day jugak is everyone can get to cuci mata (i tkleh tulis 'i can get to cuci mata' sat g i kene pelangkung ngan boyfriend hahaha) hahhh. my shades serve a big purpose coz it was so dark and usha-ing was easy lol so what happened was, sekejap bazilah zain pinjam, kejap si nadia pinjam, time tu tujuan pakai shades bukan sebab panas pun, sebab mengusha. ewah kakak2 ni, padahal yang ada semua pangkat adik2. lol.

di sini jugak kita boleh lihat perkembangan badan seseorang. budak tu dah kurus, budak ni dh slim, budak yang tengah tulis ni, same jek wahahahaha. ade peer pressure susah, tkde peer pressure pun susah, i serahkan pada takdir je lah. nak kurus tu rezeki, taknak kurus pun rezeki jugak, nak buat camane lagi dah. i redha hihiks (ciri2 orang malas bersukan!)

i memang malas bersukan!! tapi i regret jgk i actually stopped playing sports bile masuk upper form dulu. mase sekolah rendah and lower form, please la percaya walaupun dgn keadaan i sekarang ni i know semua orang takkan percaya, but please la percaya, i active gile sukan kot!!!! hahahahahah

sekolah rendah i used to jadi wakil lompat jauh and lumba lari ade la sket2, and i played netball and bola baling (wonder skarang ade lagi ke orang main bola baling) smpai berlumpur2 okayyy hahahaha :P and lower form plak i played lots of basketball! lepas tuuuuu, i got surgery done for my appedicitis and the doc tak kasi i play sports for quite some time tp i mungkar so lepas tu the surgery wound lmbat heal and it hurts everytime i play sports.

and then i slowed down a bit, lepas tu masuk je asrama, haa amek kau, semua orang lagi terer basketball semua orang lagi terer netball and all. memang bye ah. memang time tu i nak pegang bola pun segan sebab dh semua orang tinggi2 and lari laju2 and lagi terer so memang tamat riwayat i bersukan. but yeah, if u ask me, i regret gak la pegi stop bersukan since masuk asrama tu. it's a big loss!!! padahal time lower form tu i siap boleh mengamuk if kelas PJ kene cancel. ekekeke.

sedar tak sedar, it's my 5th year in India. time flies. tak lame lagi i nk balik Malaysia for good dah. doakan i balik on time, and with my MBBS degree :) ya rabbi i tak sabar gile dah nak berkhidmat utk negara (wakakakkakaka padahal tak sabar nk balik Malaysia) tak kesah la tu kan, nak tak nak i terpaksa gak berkhidmat utk korang2 semua nanti. yang penting, doakan i jadi pass my final with flying colours hihiks i takdela berharap sgt nk dapat distinction utk final year ewahhhhh wakakkkakakaka memang tak la weiii final year punye portion mati hidup semula pon kau takkan habis bace, kalau habis bace pun kau tak mungkin ingat semua lol. cukup la i pass dengan senang hati :)

truth is, it scares the shit out of me. the final professional exam. dengan system and format baru nye. memang gila. tapi kite ni student yang tidak berkuasa, apekan daya, orang atasan kate tukar format, kite pun kene la ikut cakap. i dh puas mengadu domba dah pasal ni, looks like luck is not on our side, but pray for us yea! :D

till then, daa!