Tuesday, October 23, 2012

finally a full-fledged doctor :)

Hello and assalamualaikum! 

And hello to my blog! i always wanted to write but it's either i'm too lazy or too busy. yes, both, not a very good combination though. anyways, i'm back in malaysia...for good!!!

yes you heard me right, i'm not on another 2-weeks holiday in malaysia, no bloody way! that era is over because i'm officially done with medical school!!!! can you believe it??? i can't!! this is like having a big burden over my head lifted off and can't you tell, i definitely feel absolutely good about this.

and in today's post i would like to share about my near-death experience. oh yes, i had a near-death experience, not everyone is 'lucky' enough to experience that. so here goes!

my near-death experience is my final professional MBBS examination. hahaha call me a drama queen or what, having to go through that is....beyond crazy. here's a little introduction about my exam so u'll get a clearer picture of why it is a near-death experience to me and all my friends.

first of all, a new system and a whole new format was introduced to us just about 1 year before our final exam. the whole schedule and way of teaching and the way classes and posting(s) are conducted are changed without a consistent monitoring from people who are responsible of the idea.

they came to us telling us that they would like to change this and that and your final exam is gonna be like this and that and leave us just like that without proper guidance and monitoring as how the new system would be. that's just so irresponsible and well, such a pain in the ass for us. we're like...the victims, the guinea pigs, the experiment, the puppets. you know what i mean.

so yeah, i don't wanna go into details of how we fought for our right and everything coz that's another long difficult chapter of our life as medical students but alhamdulillah, we survived. so in short, we went on with the new system and format without proper guidance.

for our final exam, we didn't even have mock exam. study leave was given for only 2 weeks. 2 weeks to revise all the core and major subjects (int medicine, surgery, obgyn, paediatrics, psychiatry, orthopaedics etc) and to make things even more worse, we have to read all these subjects and come prepared for all the subjects in one freaking day, for only 2 freaking papers.

imagine, having to read at least 6-7 very thick text books, memorizing possibly more than 100 kinds of diseases ever existed on this world, only to answer probably 3-4 questions. that's insane. that's bloody insane. and the fact that we're not adequately trained for this makes it worse.

as for the practical part, we didn't even know how the flow is gonna be. just a very vague idea of how the exam will be conducted. that's insane and inhumane. come on, we medical students are human too, have some mercy!

whoa that's a long introduction of why my final exam is such a near-death experience. i hope u're not yet bored with my writing. come on lah i haven't write for months, kasi can lah pls :P so anyway, my stress level was peaking about 1-2 months before my final exam. it got worse when my study leave started. i mean, WORST.

i drank at least 1 red bull everyday to keep me awake till morning coz i study best only at night. not the kind of person who is designed to study during daytime. yeah, that's just me. so yeah, i gotta say sorry to my pair of kidney for exposing you to ermmm, such an offending agent. (you know red bull can cause kidney failure!) but i had to do that. to pass my exam. to stay awake and study as much as i could.

because at that moment, even if i didn't sleep at all, even if i finish reading all the books, i doubt i can remember everything. that's just impossible. so yeah, i cried like almost everyday. cried n whine even worse when it comes to reading topics that i hate that i had to call P because he's the only escape that i have, the only one who was willing to listen to me whining and complaining and crying like mad woman. yes, that bad.

yes i can call my mom and complain. i did. but see, my mom hates cry baby. if i cry more than she thinks is necessary, she'll get mad and nag me and i'll cry even worse. so yeah, not a good option. hahaha. it was crazy weh. there was really a lot to read, like, really a lot and there's no way i can finish reading. so bila bukak buku ni teringat buku lain and then i get stressed out and cry. hahaks

but i'm not the kind of person who gives up easily. yes i'm such a drama queen a little bit lah but there's no way i'm going to give up before i even go berperang. ewah. so, i gotta say, i put my whole effort, the most that i can, into this. i sacrificed my sleep, i sacrificed social life, i sacrificed facebook/movies/series, i sacrificed everything that i could for this, to pass this exam. nerdy level 99999.

for the whole 2 months, my life was all about medic. the only thing i did everyday was studying, crying, calling P and start acting like a drama queen, study again, cry again, eat, sleep, wake up and study again, calling P again and the cycle repeats. such a boring life of a nerd.

at that point of time, i just want to pass, and to pass, i needed a good support system. other than P, of course parents are the core support system, the best i could ever ask for. but i tak boleh always call them, because sebab i ni drama queen, everytime i call them and listen to their voice, even without me complaining anything, i can get all teary and zzz, banjir!

because life was too stressful and listening to mom's or dad's voice and advice really makes me rasa sebak. sebak yang to the max. a simple ''i know you can do it'' from dad can get me all teary. and a simple ''kakak, u are born intelligent ok so no need to worry'' can really buat i nangis. it's amazing how your parents trust you and your ability more than you trust yourself. isn't it?

and onto the real exam day. day 1, i slept for about 2 hours, woke up feeling nervous, getting ready for exam, and guess what, ojy (a cat) peed on my bag. thanks lah. what a bad way to start such an important day. nasib baik tak kena my exam slip. i stayed calm and borrowed mary's bag and went off to college. alhamdulillah, paper 1 was fairly easy.

next day, difficulty level increased by 1 point, 2rd day, difficulty level increased by 2 points. what a life. i biasalah, balik rumah, nangis sorang2 dalam bilik. lepas tu call P nangis2. zzz. our MCQ paper was ridiculously tough. even our doctors agreed that those questions are not our level. the answers are not even there in the standard text books for undergraduates. you gotta study journals and google to pass the MCQ. dude, we seriously have no time for journals and internet information. text book pun separuh aku tak habis bace kot. agak2 la wei.

and then comes the practical part. it was a total joke especially our OSCE. we were told different instruction and turned out, it was carried out differently. we were told that we were going to have 2 rest stations which means we get extra time to fill in whatever questions that we left from other stations, i remember that clearly, but unfortunately, 20 stations over and there were no 2 rest stations as promised. what the hell la kan. berlambak2 soalan yg i tinggal dulu, and i even left 1 whole question because there was nothing on the station (usually they'll put drugs/instruments/x-ray and ask questions regarding the subject) but there was question on the question paper (i seriously thought it was rest station hais)

so when we finished OSCE, i felt bad about the whole OSCE thing. borak2 discuss dgn my friends, and suddenly a friend ask 'eh soalan yg tnya pasal psychiatry drugs tu kau jawab ape?' and i was like 'what? which question? ade ke?' rupenye that's the question that i left. and the moment i got to know that i left 1 whole question in that station, i cried like crazy. time tu dah tak kesah siapa tengok i. eyeliner smudge ape semua. persetankan. yang i tau, i depress gile. i nangis till pening2. lame gak la i nangis and then my housemate pujuk i pegi lunch.

during lunch pun i didnt even finish my meal, and i cried all of sudden. went back home, i called dad and tell him what happened, still crying, talked to mom and she got annoyed already with me and my endless crying, she said something like this ''kakak, if your friends pass this exam and you don't, then u are the one to blame, not the uni'' hahahaha that, is like pouring fuel to fire lah kan. i cried even harder, i told mom ''u don't understand, i don't wanna talk to u'' hahahahaha emo much kannnnn. my mom replied ''okay jgn ckp dgn mak, mak pun mmg marah dengar kakak asik nangis je'' LOLLL. askar sgt tau mak aku ni.

that didn't make anything better. i cried even harder, feeling even more depress that i can't recall being in that state of depression ever before. for a second, i even had a suicidal thought. hahahahaha. i dunno how to say it right, this exam is so important yet so many things gone wrong and it was so out of hand and yeah, at that point, i didn't think i can make it. i depress gila babi. from that time onwards, i shut myself alone in my room, didn't go out at all, didn't even have my dinner till the next day. depress gila wehhhh. dahla tak jawab 1 big question, soalan lain plak byk tinggal sebab we were promised to have 2 rest stations. eee time tu memang rasa marah gila gila gila babi.

but life goes on. no matter how much i look like i give up on this, i didn't. si mata bengkak ni still stayed up all night to study for my final practical exam, the long case and short cases. i'm actually quite impressed with my determination. with me being dragged down to the lowest thinking that i already failed my OSCE due to stupid instruction given by...hm.., i carried on being a nerd and still trying and hoping i can score my very best on my long/short cases.

alhamdulillah, it paid-off. before my last battle, i prayed to Allah to ease my way and give me a case that i can handle well, alhamdulillah sangat, i got an obstetric case, anemia in pregnancy with decreased fetal movement as my long case. honestly, i didn't study much of obstetric for practical as i was aiming for surgery or medicine case, but alhamdulillah, i managed to handle the case well. well enough to pass my long case. my prayer was answered right on the dot. praise to Allah. i really was lucky to get a fairly easy case to present to my obgyn consultants. the short cases was fine :)

exam was over, but truth to be told, i wasn't really that confident with myself. such a torturing moment having to wait for the results, not knowing whether you pass or fail. i really wish i could just fast forward that moment. it was driving me insane.

the night before the official result was released, i was told by a friend that he already know the unofficial result, and he told me that i passed! whatttt!

i told my housemates and we were hugging each other and screaming like mad and then hug each other again and everyone was like ''btul ke btul ke??'' and i was like ''yesss betul, we passed!!" and then continue screaming again, such a joyous moment. though the result wasn't official i didn't know why i was so confident to tell my housemates and to even called my parents at late hours to inform them about me passing medical school! hahahaha.

tak dramatic sangat la bagitau the parents about my result tgh2 malam buta. masing2 tgh mamai and all dad could say was 'yeke? alhamdulillah, tahniah' hahaha and that's it. he continued sleeping and i doubt he remember the conversation i had with him that time. perhaps it felt just like they're dreaming je kot time tu. hahahah

so yeah, here i am now, officially done with my miserable life as medical student. omg. i really can't believe i made it through. such a long journey, worth a thousand tears and hardwork and pain and all the ups and downs. such a crazy mind-blowing journey. that's a total of 7 years worth of journey of becoming a doctor.

from the moment i got an offer letter from MARA right till i pass my final MBBS professional exam, that is freaking 7 years. i made it through. i'm a doctor now. alhamdulillah Ya Allah, you're the best planner of all.

that's how messy my room can get when i'm in the middle of exam week

Saturday, October 6, 2012

India, I'm gonna leave you soon :D

I am definitely happy about leaving India, hellooo, 5 years abroad (and especially in India) is definitely not easy. not easy at all! but can't deny that small part of me is telling me that 'babe, u're so gonna miss india'.

i intend to write about my ups and downs in india, but they're like really a lot, i dunno where to start. it needs probably 10 chapters for me to finish writing about my experience in india. it's really something. i won't say it's the kind of experience that everyone wants to have, because living in india is definitely not the same like living in UK or US or whatever developed countries (u name it!) but the experience i have is really something to be remembered, to be cherished, forever.

I just finished my final exam by the way. the result is yet to be announced so yeah, i'm just hoping for the very best for me and my friends. i can't and i don't want to stay any longer here in india. and speaking about my final exam, that is the most depressing time of my life, ever, and for a second, i even had a suicidal thought because it was too depressing i felt like jumping off the building. hahaha. i am so gonna write about it okay! 

here, i learnt a lot about life. basically about living in hardship (yesssssssssssssss!!! india taught me well), patience, love (hahahah bollywood sangat tau i found my love in india :P), friendship (this probably require 1 big chapter hahahah), people (gosh you don't wanna know what i learnt haha) and a lotttt more. and it tested me well enough that i was far far far away from the people i love, my support system. sometimes it feels like i live on my own two feet, in a faraway land. it's not easy, trust me.

and india is unique in its own way. not the way you want it to be, obviously. it tested my patience beyond the level that i can handle. imagine having to face your final exam with frequent black-outs (yes, and there's nothing you can do about it other than, ermmm, bersabar), and not only that, u'll get some background ''music'' of tempe (tempe is local indian, i dunno about the origin of the word tempe, we happened to use it regularly) bergendang bersiul menari2 bagai nak rak when u're trying to focus on what u're reading to sit for ur exam, lol. and having to see a group of tempe mogok depan hospital sebab they didn't wanna pay the hospital bill just because the patient died, and the funny part is, diorang mogok sambil bergendang. ewah, kaya pulak kau nak hire orang bergendang2 utk mogok, tapi tak nak bayar hospital bill. wakakak.

and the fact that the indians love to strike and we get free holidays for that. hahaha. imagine lah, the pelakon died and the tempe pegi strike ramai2 so we didnt have to go to class woohoooo dalam hati i, ni kalau shah rukh khan yg mati, mau aku dapat cuti sebulan. lol.

and the indian traffic. omagash. it's crazy and i can't believe i actually mastered the art of driving a manual car in this awesome indian traffic. hahahahaha. i normally drive automatic car back in malaysia and the moment i decided to buy a car here in india i memang main redah je nak drive manual sebab i really memang tak terer drive manual but it turned out to be awesome wahahaha. and guess what, we survived 3 years of owning a car without having an insurance, ever. lollll. dahla takde insurance, siap boleh drive sampai ke tamil nadu. that is just crazy.

haih la terlampau banyak memories here in india. the good one, the bitter one, the depressing one hahahaha. i think i will just sit and reminisce my time in india. probably in my flight back home this 13th october hihiks i can't wait!!!!! i can't wait to leave this country for good but i know i will miss this country, u served me 'well', 'well' enough that u'll stay in my memory forever. ahahahaks.

and i'm looking forward for my convocation because guess what, my boyfriend will be joining the same convocation too! hikhik it was never in my dream, to grad with my own sweetheart, never was in my list and suddenly this comes along :D so really happy i should probably start searching for my baju convo ewahhhh.

being here, it's a blessing in disguise. even my mom said so. my mom cakap she's so grateful that i get to study in India instead of UK/US/Aussie, ayat mak i camni k "aunty happy dia ni pegi India, kalau pegi UK ke memane tu entah la jadi camne, confirm kalah semua mat salleh'' hahhahaa and by that, she was referring to my errr, i dunno, my way of dressing up and maybe my social life. and being here, duit kitorang banyakkkk. hahahaha unlike those studying in other developed countries, selalu dengar cerita mereka2 ni broke. well, ramai je students dkt sini broke but that's because they don't manage their money well, bukan sebab tak cukup duit scholar. what we got is moreeee than enough.

after leaving this county, i hope to leave behind alllll the bad stories, to forget those who don't regard me as friend (or better, to befriend and start over? (: ), to leave behind all the terasa sentap sensitive moment (hahahah i admit i manusia biasa no matter how hard i tried to remain cool sometimes i can't help to feel offended too), i want to forget those people i hate and the reason why i hate 'em because hating ppl, it makes me feel ugly from the inside.

i want to bring back all the good memories :) and insyaAllah, whenever i stop by and look back, i want to remember all of this with a smile on my face :)) to those who did me wrong, thank you for making me stronger than yesterday, there's always reason why we bumped into each other's life and make each other's life miserable hahahah kan?

i'm leaving in 5 days wooohoooo!! so India, thank you, thank you for all the hardship and pain u caused me, for all the lesson i learnt the hard way, for all the bittersweet memories, you'll be missed, definitely :)