if you choose to live, then you choose to move on.

warning : ini entri berbaur sentimental. sekiranya anda seorang rockstar tegar, i advise you not to go on reading k. today, ini rockstar tetiba mahu layan balada. zassss!

love isn't always the greatest gift. yes love takes you high, so high that you won't wanna step on real world ever again. but they say, the higher you get, the greater is the fall. and when love takes you down, there's no easy way to get up.

a failed relationship is not as simple as it sounds. bila kau dah cinta orang separuh mati, dah berjanji sehidup semati and all of sudden you have to let go everything, i swear to god, it's not easy. they say, don't play with fire, buruk padahnya. well same goes, jangan berani bermain cinta if you don't know what love really is.

i don't say things that i heard. i don't just write things that i read because honestly, i know how it feels like to be at the top of the world with all the love that showers you. tapi, aku juga pernah rasa the greatest fall. the greatest fall yang aku tak pernah jangka, apa lagi bersedia. yes, i never was prepared for that greatest fall.

yes i'm talking about my failed relationship. it was a 5 years relationship. just imagine, dari zaman aku ambil PMR, sampai ke SPM, zaman kegemilangan habis sekolah sampai lah ke zaman aku ambil IB (International Baccalaureate), i was obliged to love only one person. not because i have to, but it was because i wanted to. it started with a typical kind of puppy love, but it got serious as i grew older, and the love got stronger as the relationship got older.

they say i was too young to love. but heck they don't even know what i feel when they fucking say that. and tak perlulah aku ulas dengan panjang lebar the reason of our break-up, it's enough to say that it wasn't because of any other third party. it wasn't a clean break-up. it was one hell of disaster when it occurred to me, or us. yes, both of us. we didn't ask for it, but we couldn't go on any further and that left us with break-up as the only option.

it didn't took me days to recover. not even months. it was longer than that. i made a bet that it was gonna take me maximum 1 year to recover but i lost to my own bet. it was longer than that. moving on isn't as easy as spelling it, or saying it.

bullshit la kepada mereka yang hanya tahu cakap "kau ni tak reti2 ke nak move on dey" because seriously, kalau kau arif sangat perihal 'move on', kau takkan sampai hati untuk berkata macam tu dengan orang yang sedang patah hati. it's always better to shut up, then to let out such a thing to heartbroken people because it hurts to death and really, saying those kind of thing simply means you're inviting a bitch slap on your pretty face.

of course, at this crucial moment, you'll need all the support in the world to go on living. the first few weeks (or months?) was the most difficult time. i can't even go to places we used to hang out together coz i'll end up visualizing the time we used to spend and finally, i'll end up soaking in gallons of tears. and by places we used to go, i meant the whole of shah alam even the pasar malam has its own sweet memories.

months past by, i got a little better. of course, my besties are those who were at rescue when i needed someone to listen to me or to give me advices. they don't judge me like others. and at this recovery period, it's normal to find that your heart doesn't sync well with your brain. whatever that your brain thinks might be good for yourself doesn't make any sense to the heart. well, it's something you can't escape. gotta deal with it.

but true enough. you can't push urself to move on. it's just a matter of time. the quote 'time will heal' is not for nothing, it has worked on me so must work on you too, heartbroken ppl. the only problem is, you can't decide when u're gonna heal but have some faith, tell yourself that someday you'll be fine again. in the mean time, you know committing suicide is not worth it because the next day, or next week, or next month, you'll be back on your own 2 feet, standing tougher than ever before.

but please, if you have friends yang sedang heartbroken, don't push 'em to move on and forget everything. it's not gonna work. it's not gonna help him/her to get away even from the slightest pain by saying that. it's annoying okay kalau kau setakat reti cakap "ala putus cinta je bukan ape pun" wtf you make urself clear that you dunno wtf love is.

during the recovery period, i woke up in the morning and still mourning over the loss. i did lots of things to distract myself, laughed out loud to cover up the pain but truth is, there was still a hole in my heart. there wasn't a single love song that doesn't remind me of the past and though it pains the hell out of me, i kept listening and i kept allowing the past to pass through my train of thoughts. some might have caught me shedding some tears at the most awkward moment ever.

but now, i can smile as i look back, no more shedding tears as i remember the past. it's over and done with. i'm done mourning hee. aku sudah move on dengan hidup aku. cukuplah aku stucked in the past for @$!%! already. god knows exactly how long i had to deal with it. dulu aku ingat aku takkan pernah move on, but now i proved myself wrong. and if you ever feel like you can never move on, you're wrong. it's just a matter of time. as for now, just take it slow and go with the flow. no pushing.

i'm grateful that i'm blessed with people who are sincere to be with me today. be it best friends or boyfriend, they're all amazing people. they helped me get through my darkest moment. and i'm sure, you have your army too, they'll support you in everything you do so don't ever think you can't move on. if you choose to continue living, then u actually choose to move on :)

p/s : i intended to write in malay but i end up writing mostly in english. tettt. not so balada la.